so aye Boxin Day (S)

and thats all I really have to say about that....

Its half four and I be away to bed now.

I was aiming for an early night and gym tomorrow, but that shafted, although tomoroow is a long day.

Christmas day. (S)

Had dinner, played pooter, had dirties and went to bed.

Dirties were brought to you this evening by our friend the coke fairy, who granted us a line each. But thats okay 'cause its Chrismas innit? I've never really understood the appeal with coke tbh, to short a buzz and it burns far too much to be pleasant.

Im going to annotate my blog entries with a (S) in the corner when Ive had the horizontals, so that I can actually keep track and see if I am over-reacting or indeed, if my sex life is as empty as I think it is.

Too much Information? Perhaps, just shut your eyes then.... ;0)

aye and merry fucking Xmas to you too.

So after a 2 hours crying argument I now look like Rocky

I actually cried that much that I couldnt breathe and developed that stupid whine you get when you've cried for ages. You know the one?

My heads sore and Im tired. Why is crying so tiring?

Oh aye and last period was in October. So Im starting a book on when the next one will be.

I suck. Seriously.

On the upside my spiced is lovely, just basted it with some more honey. If nothing else at least I'll get my festive meat tomorrow.

Im sick and fucking tured of never being able to have anything nice?

Case in point: Pauls just spily chinese all over the fucking carpet. Thinking its funy and deciding to play the "lets try and keep Marri out of the room game" whilct it slowly.. stains... the .... carpet...

So aye Christmas Eve, having christmas dinner tomorrow, in a house full of stained carpets because he wont take his shoes off at the door, wont eat at a table- preferring instead to eat off the floor, and i do mean that literally as half the time the hand-mouth cordination goes and it ends up on the fucking floor anyway - and thinks it funny.

Its easy come easy fucking go with him, I work damn fucking hard to try and have nice things for us, TO TRY and make sure those things are kept nice. The living room carpets ruined with a semi circle of food debris thats Pauls, the bedrooms carpets stained with black eyeshadow that the cats spilt, and the hall carpet? Well fuck knows whats going on with that. Its manky..

I told him he needs to hire a carpet shampooer to clean the carpets now.

This is it the offial throwing down of the gaunlet. Lets see how long it takes him to get his finger out, hire the fucking shampoo-er and get the job done. If its anything like asking him for sex, then hey, I'd be as well getting the job done myself. Also like my sex life.

And people wonder why I work constantly? At least when Im busy im not constantly confronted with how fuckign shit my life is.

Lets have a recap shall we folks?

Sex life - non-existant, he's either tired, sore head or "not well".
Social Life - barely existant, its JUST holding its own
Work - I hate both my fucking jobs
Love life - this is seperate from sex life, this is the part where you have to really weigh up if you love your partner, and do they love you? Well, this is teetering on the edge. I feel like im bashing my head off a brick wall
Health - exhausted, cant sleep, over weight - but too fuckign depressed to care really - pains in thighs leave me hanging onto worktop, no period since last one a few months back
studying - got an A on the last OU essay I did, so at least thats going okay

Prospects - see my life stretching before me in a sexless marriage where I become increasing more depsperate for affection or shows of caring that arent instigated by me, Im going to become a slutty housewife.

Im so bitter and angry just now, all I want to do is cry at the fucking futility of it all. Im not worth the effort anymore apparently. But If I cry Ill get the "whats wrong?" hangdog puppy eye concern and in an effort to stop myself exploding with rage TRYING YET AGAIN to explain why the things he does piss me off, Ill slow my speech down, then THAT'll piss him off because Im being condescending. And I cant deal with that shit now.

Im damned if I do, damned if I dont. I cant fucking win.

Its all crumbling down before me, and do you know what? Rather tha oh fuck this

Fuxsake Im tired.

All I seem to be doing just now is working. Cant wait until Saturday 23rd of December. Then I dont have to work any job until Thursday. Bliss. I then dont have to be in normal work until the 3rd of January. Fan-fuckin-tastic

Had my first driving lesson today. Apparently I did well. My steering is good, I only stalled once, and he says I should progress smoothly as I seem to have picked up well for first lesson.

Chuffed as fuck :0)

weight on Saturday. 14st 11. Loss of 5lbs this week.

Some people may think that Im crazy for starting a diet 4 weeks before Christmas, but Im better starting now, that way after Christmas, I wont be as heavy.

So one weigh in down and 35 more to go. Aiming for a weight loss of 1.5lbs a week. Which means by July I should be at my goal weight.

7 weeks till Amsterdam. Looking forward to it.