I dont know whats wrong with me.

Girl at work has just returned from maternity leave. Thinks she might be pregnant again. Still not takign care of herself, and still smoking like a lum even though she thinks she might be pregnant again.

Im jealous and upset and angry and... Ach I dunno. Its petty but I wish she would have to try harder, I wish that things didnt happen quite so effortlessly. Im probably not making any sense at all. And I probably sound so bitter and petty.

Time ticks away and with every year that passes I decrease my chances through no fault of my own. Its my faulty engineering. Time passes and I tie myself in knots with tangental thinking, frustration and anger. Anger at myself and just everything in general.

So what do I do? Try to have a baby just to know that I can even though Im not ready? Or do I wait until I am ready and hope its not too late? Decisions decisions.

I cant keep doing this every time someone I know gets pregnant who has qualities that I feel dont fit the perfect mould of what a mother should be. Hell half the time I dont even know what that mould looks like.

Every day I look in the mirror and think, "You're doing this to yourself. You ruin everything because you either cut yourself off or too fucking greedy to stop eating". Im seriously debating this lighter life shenanigan. Maybe no food at all is the answer, break the cycle, start again. Maybe once Im thin evrything will be okay. Ive lost 9 pounds. Its not enough. I cant ever envison a time where I will be happy with myself. I wish I could change my shell.

I wish I could turn back time and start all over again but with the knowledge of whats to come.