Day one of antidepressants...

Yup its that time again. The time where I go to the doctors and admit that Im feeling like this and that I've started self harming again. The time where he tries to sign me off work, and I refuse because otherwise I would be in a house all day every day, that Im reminded isnt mines.

So diagnosed with depression. Given anti dpressants. They are only giving me 4 weeks at a time worth of tablets, Why? Because Im a suicide risk and they dont trust me not to repeat last time when I played tablet roulette. I think in an odd way Pauls relieved. Last tim he panicked. He was so scared and that is the only thing I feel guilty about. That I scared him so much. I still wish I had finished it.

the stupid thing is that I could so easily do what I did last time and tour the chemists and but 16 of one extra strength tablet, 16 of another and so on until the final stop the offy. So limiting me to 28 anti dperessants isnt really a failsafe. But I can't tell them that or it leads to a whole pile of shit.

But this time I know it will hurt, Not a lot of people realise commiting suicide via overdose does hurt, I've never known pain like it. You can actually feel you stomach crumbling and you liver going "oooohhh not good". It hurts. You just want to sleep but they keep you awake.

I remember it all so vividly, I remember lying to the CPN who saw me after 3 days hooked up to a drip, saying yes I was fine, No I won't try it again, Just so I could get home. I felt the other patients on the ward were looking at me, that they knew. I felt such a fraud. I mean they are in for treatment because they are ill. Im in because I'm weak and cant handle life.

One good thing. Appetites gone, bet you I still put on fucking weight though.......

"It's the best thing that you ever had, the best thing you have had has gone away."

I took a panic attack on the bus today. I stabbed myself with a paperclip in work.

I am alone in all things.

I feel really disconnected from everything thats not me.

I know this weekend will be spent alone. Again. Because everyone will forget. They always do. I can only blame myself. In all things.

The best thing I ever had was taken away. And no-one knows. No one cares. No one understands just how much it eats at me when I'm like this. I hurt myself because its the only thing that I can control.

How much pain can one person take before they can't take anymore? There is no hope for the people who are in the hollow place I am. I am the hollow place. I am hollow.

Oh. My. God.

Left work, went to Buchanan Galleries. Waited for Paul. Paul turns up. Takes one look behind me and says "thats just cheeky".

I turn around and theres this ned couple. snogging. Didnt think there was anything too bad with that, apart from the fact they were both minging. So turn round to paul and go "eh?". He nods back towards them again.

Its then I notice that the boy ned had his ENTIRE FUCKING HAND down the fron of her trews and is frigging furiously. On the couch outside Lakeland Limited. Im still getting the flashbacks.

For badness we dobbed them into the security guard who chased them.

With the result that they got outside and started snigging and frigging there. In between puffs of fag.

Lovely. If i could scrub my brain with bleach I so would. Bleach and a wire brush.

Oh and we went to see serenity. Which was okay. Very Joss Wheedon. The engineer chick who was so "im so ditsy but good with engines" REALLY REALLY bugged the shit out of me. And she didnt die. But Steve the Pirate did. Which sucked. Arrr!! It did...

Club Noir

Rocked!!! Was quite, no make that very cool. Apart from the DJ at the end who wheeled out the techno/dance/ned shite. I was quite drunk. The worlds worst hangover in the world, so bad that I couldnt keep water down. Which i s never a good sign really is it?

Bumped to some people I know and it transpires that yet another person I know is expecting. I swear that its something in the water. Pleased for her though. Which is not to say I'm not a little bit jealous. Which is daft but i feel a little like I'm being left behind.

Which is stupid again. Considering that my body from the neck down hate me, and that I don't even have my own house at the moment, and I've got to go back to the doctors for the next 5 weeks for B12 injections which sting like a fucker. I found my FUCKER t-shirt today actually. Needless to say its 2 sizes too small.

Spent most of today trying to work out who broke in whilst we were sleeping and replaced my tongue with carpet and my brain with two warring clans of small people. Much vomiting and hiding in a cool dark room later. Got up and kicked about a bit. Played Black and White 2 only for the fucking thing to crash so had to sit through the "rotate the screens" tutorial yet again. Went to Tesco and cooked lunches for the next three days. Which shall consist of Pumpkin Apple and Ginger soup, followed y Casablanca Cous Cous. My life is so routine its scary.

Lessons learned from last night. Dont try and run in a ankle length PVC dress, especially when you are wearing 6 inch heels. Especially not after rum and absinthe. Absinthe burns... It really does.

Just watched Casshern. My brain hurts, perhaps i shouldnt have watched it after waiting a hour for food from the chinese but it seemed like a good idea at the time.*Note* the film is over 2 hours and somewhat confusing. To the extent that as Im typing this Paul's just came through with the booklet saying "In an attempt to try and get the last two hours of your life back..." Ah right. That's so much clearer...... not.so yeah. Uneventful Sunday, MIL called me out of bed into kitchen to look at a couch on DFS, not to buy it you understand, just to marvel at the stupidity of people who want a home cimena in thier living room. Needless to say i was halfway through telling Paul and he thinks this is a good idea. Whoops...

Lazy Sunday. Not much planned.

do washing, eat leftover pizza, peel Paul off PC for general household stuff. huffff......

On that note, does he really think labelling his seperate PORN hardrive PrOn is going to confuse me into thinking its not there? Likewise labelling his Rangers photos with numbers wont make me more curious, open then and then go "Ah. More football" and realise that now not only is he lying to me, but that he didnt listen or understand to a word I've said. I don't care about the porn, its more the "Lets assume she's too thick to anagram 2 letters. HA! that'll confuse her"

I know people change. No-one's ever the same as when you first start seeing them. Change is inevitable as you, as a couple blend and the lines defining who you were become smudged and blurry. But for someone who never mentioned football to become a football freak, to the extent that singing the McDonalds tune to small kids wearing a celtic strip provides thier greatest source of amusement is a bit disconcerting.

Fair enough I've probably changed in ways he doesnt like, putting on weight, finding out I'm possibly infertile, plunging headlong into depression. I get the feeling he's only staying with me out of pity. You know, like the scabby one eyed three legged Jack Russell thats left in the pet shop and you take it because no-one else will. Perhaps I'm his Jack Russell.

I wish things were simple again. I wish i didnt cry all the time. I wish this was a happier place because now by venting how i feel I will gradually drive everyone away with my self pity and moroseness.

is this a landmark post, or a further foray into lonlieness where my only social contact is once again through the internet. Read by people I dont know, whom i can't see, who only know me through what i write here. I miss people. I miss the touch and the closeness of people. i see people in work, but they dont know me, they make me feel more empty than when I am alone. Its really corny but im never more alone than when I'm surrounded by people. I just want to sit and people watch. But i can't, they always want to talk, so then I have to be funny,happy,cheery. I can't just be quiet.... So anyway, good first post, i look like a nutter. Behold my gradual disintegration. At least this way i dont have to talk. Out loud.