Day one of antidepressants...

Yup its that time again. The time where I go to the doctors and admit that Im feeling like this and that I've started self harming again. The time where he tries to sign me off work, and I refuse because otherwise I would be in a house all day every day, that Im reminded isnt mines.

So diagnosed with depression. Given anti dpressants. They are only giving me 4 weeks at a time worth of tablets, Why? Because Im a suicide risk and they dont trust me not to repeat last time when I played tablet roulette. I think in an odd way Pauls relieved. Last tim he panicked. He was so scared and that is the only thing I feel guilty about. That I scared him so much. I still wish I had finished it.

the stupid thing is that I could so easily do what I did last time and tour the chemists and but 16 of one extra strength tablet, 16 of another and so on until the final stop the offy. So limiting me to 28 anti dperessants isnt really a failsafe. But I can't tell them that or it leads to a whole pile of shit.

But this time I know it will hurt, Not a lot of people realise commiting suicide via overdose does hurt, I've never known pain like it. You can actually feel you stomach crumbling and you liver going "oooohhh not good". It hurts. You just want to sleep but they keep you awake.

I remember it all so vividly, I remember lying to the CPN who saw me after 3 days hooked up to a drip, saying yes I was fine, No I won't try it again, Just so I could get home. I felt the other patients on the ward were looking at me, that they knew. I felt such a fraud. I mean they are in for treatment because they are ill. Im in because I'm weak and cant handle life.

One good thing. Appetites gone, bet you I still put on fucking weight though.......