well! 1 week down and as of this morning I now weigh

14st 7lbs

which gives me a nice half stone loss for the first week. Huzzah.

Chicken and Olive salad for lunch tomorrow
dinner - Aubrgine and lamb I think.
Breakfast still undecided, possibly a tofu shake,dunno yet

I also bought me some diabetic chocolate from Holland and Barrets, its 75p a bar and it does the job I suppose, also sugar free hard sweets, Very good

today Paul also bought 2 suits from Hugo Boss today, I had to haggle which Paul said was cheap but got his suits knocked down from £500 a suit to (edit: Paul says Im not allowed to tell), so he took 2, one navy one gray, but still ooft! 'sake! money! I think the guy reduced them just to get rid of us though. So aye his interview is on Thursday and he flies out to Belfast at 8 in the morning, so I wont see him until after 12 on Thursday night as Im in the Chinese. Pauls lost 6lbs this week at his weigh in.(also edited as he lost 6lbs not 4 as originally counted. )

anyway Im off to bed.

So... Tomorrow morning the big One week weigh in then....

fingers crossed.

I seem to have some sore of viral leprosy on my lip, I'm assured that its only a coldsore, but still. I feel ming.

Away to bed in preperation for the day of suit hnting with my beloved for him Interview on Thursday, He's also shaved his beard off. Hmmmmmm..

Anyway, Away to make breakfast and lunch up for tomorrow. Maybe not lunch since I have a half day. Nah, nae lunch I'll grab a salad or something from boots.

Weight this morning - 14st 7.6lbs.

still down the way which is good.

Bit pissed as had to squeeze past a wee space in the chinese whilst they were cleaning the kitchen and a punter shouted in "Suck yer belly in hen, or get some exercise eh?"

I shouted back jokingly "what you trying to say like?", he was all "just kidding hen, just some banter", Then I had to laugh off the full thing, but it still hurt.

Today - Turkish Breakfast, Egg, Olives, Tomato, Onion and some feta cheese
Lunch - Chinese Pork Chop and bean sprouts with ginger and garlic
Dinner - ? thinking of ordering in Indian, will have a look at the menu later.

Im so bored. Away to play more half life 2.

Weight this morning, 14ST 8.4lbs.

So far go good on the dieting front,

Paul losing well and sticking to it too.

Me stuck to it well, managed to stick to black coffee for breakfast yesterday as was running late and didn't pack anything the night before, had a huge spinach and runner bean salad with peppered salmon for lunch, and same for dinner as working in chinese

Today consisted of eggs, bacon mushrooms and some grilled halloumi cheese for breakfast /lunch as had a massive sleep in, was supposed to be up at 7 for OT in work, but slept in, woke up with the phone in my hand, which I set my alarm on, so must have woken up, hit the phone and fell back asleep. Crap. Bollocking on Monday then....

Dinner today, grilled lamb chops with a side of garlic cabbage and some ginger and soy spinach. Im enjoying this way of eating so far and not too hung up on the intricacies of calries/saturated fat/fibre. So far its just looking at carbs per 100g. Not told anyone that Im doing low carb, Im just telling people Im avoiding sugar to regulate my appetite and avoiding bread/pasta to avoid bloating and they seem to be leaving me alone so far. Its all good.

So weigh on monday beckons. Still no periods.... meh

Right - had enough of being this fucking big

Im doing the low carb thing and im going to stick to it this time, for longer,

start weight on Monday was 14st 13.5lbs, 5 stone to lose Target 10st
Will weigh myself tomorrow and see how I've gotten on, Or wait for a week before weighing, Im not sure yet,

Tomorrows day looks like this

B - Leftover chicken Drumstickk, 25 g cheese and salad
L - BIG salad, chicken bacon and mozzerella
S - Nuts
D - King Prawn stir fry with Pak Choi, beansprouts, celery, bamboo shoots
S - Hot chocolate made with Double cream and sweetner,

11g carbs, somewhat under the 20g per day that Im set for the first two weeks but the ketosis has kicked in so Im not reallt that hungry anymore. Result. Long may it continue.

my wee one would be 6 this month.

She would have started school, and be in primary 2 by now. She would have a granny who loved her very much. And a mummy who loved her more than she could ever love herself. Dressing up, and lunch boxes and days in the park. Losing her first teeth, skint knees and bogey monsters in the night. First gummy smiles, steps, words and friends.

6.

what if that was my only chance? He now has 2 kids of his own, and I couldnt have that one because my body decided it wasnt going to cope/ I wasnt able to cope. Did she know that I wasn't sure, or that I didnt feel ready? I dont know. I still grieve.

I cant keep shutting myself off, telling myself and people that I dont like, or want, children. Im broody as hell. But I'm scared to try, Im so fucking scared. I have a pish chance of conceiving, and an even pisher chance of not carrying the baby full term. I KNOW thats what went wrong 6 years ago, and that I shouldnt blame myself, cant blame myself. But theres always that nagging little voice that asks, if I found out earlier, If he stuck by me, if I gave up work sooner - Would any of it have changed?

But then I wouldnt have met Paul. And much as he drives me mental at times, and much as I wonder if we're right for each other, I cling to him because he is mine, I am his and his love for me is unconditional. I just panic that Im not enough for him, and won't ever be enough. I know that part of that is natural, but I know the extent that I obsess over it probably isnt. I wake up from nightmares where he's left me. And in those waking moments, before I realise it was all a dream, I feel so empty and desolate. Its those moments that I know that I love him truly, that I'm foolish to doubt myself/us and I hope that never changes. I know every inch of his skin better than I know my own, I know what its is to snuggle into him when he's asleep and smell the warm safe scent that is my husband. I can never be too close to him.

But part of me still aches for that baby.

I still grieve.

Well nothing much going on at the moment, Looking forward to the weekend when there shall be, a Miso banquet, most main courses are £3.

Paul tells me he loves me but Im still feeling detatched at the moment, from mostly everything. I m tired though, and I think thats contributing towards the way Im feeling.

I wish I had a TV in the bedroom. Think I'll half inch the lappy for bedroom watchery,

On the upside my open University Course stuff came through today, and the best part is I can offset my ILA Scotland allowance against the course and the remaining £325 is coming from my bonus this year, which means all in, all things going well, this time next year I'll be back at university.

Huzzah!

Sometimes I think I like to work continually, because if I work all the time, and so tired I can barely stand up, that it stops me from being still and having the time to think and worry things over. I am a worrier. I worry that I cant have Kids, I worry that I will have kids, I worry that I cant keep a pet for any length of time, I worry about getting a pet, I worry that I work too hard. I worry that my time of being me is over. I think thats the main thing that gets me down, I dont feel like me anymore. This isnt me. I was happiest when I was 19, do I accept that things are never going to be that way again and try to adapt to this new me? Or do I change everything in the hope that I can at least have some of the old me back? But what if, in changing I lose everything that I have just now? I've worked so very hard to get to where I am just now, house (used to be in homeless hostel), job (at least I have the option of not having to work two jobs) and a husband who protests he does love me but albeit in a reserved and sort of half hearted and disinterested way

Im scared if it goes wrong I'll lose it all.

I know he loves me or he wouldnt have married me. Would he......?