How do you react to stress?

Im locking myself away again. I dont want to see anyone, I dont want to do anything except clean. Im shutting myself off again. I clean and clean. My cleaning routine went like this. Did dishes in the sink, dried, put away, wiped down worktops, cleaned cooker, oven and microwave. reorganised cupboards, cleaned around the top, washed floor on hands and knees, wiped down cupboard doors, cleaned the skirting boards, scriubbed the bath, cleaned the toilet, debated reorganising the bedroom. Realised I hadnt eaten anything all day, ate some soba noodles with boiled prawn. washed all the woodwork in the flat. went for a shower.

I spent a hour in the shower today unintentionally because I just zoned off. All I could feel was the water drumming off my back and head. Time I realised how long I'd been in there was because the music had stopped. And I was on my knees, face down in the bath. Im losing time again. Last time this happened I tried to kill myself, I was zoning out and losing time, last time I was also working 2 jobs, studying and coping with my mum. Last time I also wasnt sleeping.

I feel I cant talk to anyone about how Im feeling because they'll just think that Im doing this for sympathy or attention. I cant self-harm anymore even though the urge is there and its so strong at times, Thursday was a bad day. Instead, I paid for 2 piercings and that helped a bit. Took the edge off,

All I can do is try and keep busy, keep active. Was considering joining the gym again just up form the house, but when would I have time? I have 2 jobs, and doing OU, This week I did 72 hours. That leaves me with a Sunday, Monday Tuesday and Wednesday night. That should be enough. Im going to try and get to the gym at some point this week to see what its like.

Im not sleeping as well as I could be. I cant seem to stay asleep and I dont want to go back on antidepressants. I didnt go to bed last night until about 2, got up and ate half a muller rice about 4 in the morning, had a cuppa tea, back to bed about 5, and then up ate 8. I ant sleep. If I tell the doctor they'll put me on antidepressants again.I need something else to fix this. Exercise? therapy? Maybe I just need my mum to get better. I dont think she'll ever get better though.

Im buying her house because the £150 - 200 a month Im going to be paying in a mortgage for her may at least give me some peace of mind, I'll work myself into the ground if it'll keep her from trying to kill herself. Ill do it for her. I can never tell her though. Is that what love is? sacrifice unconditionally? and what if it doesnt make her better? I dont know what to do. Im so confused, Nothing ever seems to change. I want it all to go away. But it wont. It wont ever go away. Sometimes I wish she was dead. Then I hate myself for thinking like this, and have this huge pit of dread and guilt that I carry with me in case something DOES happen to her, so I have to try and keep busy instead so I dont have time to think. I cant have any time to think ot I'll just implode.

What about me?