The fates taunt me

At a time of year where I already feel low due to past and current events, life decides to step up and order an extra side of pain, misery and loss.

I thought self-denial at the time was a good thing, but now I don't want to go through it all again. Two for two Marri.

I'm utterly terrified of the constant pattern of loss. So I'm bereft at the thought of it happening again.

I'm feeling it hard at the moment. Even though if anyone asks its a shrug and a "What can you do? What could I have done?", but I'm feeling it.

This will make no sense to anyone bar a couple of people. And that's fine. I just don't want anything at the moment. And call yourself a friend? Why make plans and then not bother to show? Fine. I'd rather know how the ground lies this way. Ram your fucking "friendship".

I....

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'

Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May do you wanna get married ?
Or run away"

I miss feeling like I'm the only most important thing.

In other news: He's trying. At times I think its enough, and at others I feel its too late and that its will never be fixed.

I can't wait until my next placement is finished. I think half of the problem is me. I feel trapped by the mundaneness of the very lifestyle I thought was my goal. I miss the freedom of being able to just get up, get dressed and just go out. Having no-one to answer to. The problem is that I'm surrounded by people yet I still feel alone. I'm still trying to articulate how I'm feeling and all I can say is that I feel claustrophobic and fit to burst and unanchored at the same time. I feel like I don't know where I belong. Is this what I really want. My life I mean?

I find myself yearning to be the object. To be the centre of someone. Just to feel like someone sees me.

None of this makes any sense and I have no idea why I'm even putting it here. I feel so jumbled.

Anyway. He's trying. I'm trying but we still have a way to go yet.

I'm not ready for this sort of thing

Well, after much soul searching, I told Paul tonight that after my placements are finished I'll be moving out, perhaprs temporarily. I can't go on like this. We can't go on like this.

I love him but I'm tearing him apart because I'm so unhappy. We are making each other unhappy. He's tearing me apart because I feel I need more than he can offer me, or give me at the moment.

We never have sex. I know I keep going on about it, but it is very important to me. It would appear that its symptomatic of other issues in our relationship. We were in bed the other night, (engaging as it were) and I realised that he was watching TV, instead of focussing on me. I honestly must bore him. I don't just mean sex, I mean just me. I bore my husband. He is tired of me. Thats what I mean when I say its symptomatic of other issues.

I'm tired of the fighting, and when we are not fighting we are doing nothing. I'm not sure which is worse, the co-existing or the aggression on my part, or the sheer apathy on his.

I find myself wanting to hurt him, just to get some sort of reaction. I want to hurt him physically just to get something,but I feel that if I start, I won't stop. Until its too late and the only reaction that I get is one of he's going and not coming back. Which is contradictory to what I've told him tonight.

Its one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I can't do this anymore. I'm 26 and the man I love has left me feeling, weary, worthless, ugly and old. Old.

I hope that it can be fixed, I feel deep down there is something left, but I don't really know if there is or not. I don't know if he really does want to fix this or if I've become routine, a task to be ticked off at the end of the day. An emotional crutch for him. If he wants me he has to fight over the next 10 weeks, or I honestly am leaving, because I cant spend the rest of our lives together hoping for a fix that will never come. I would like to think I am worth more than that.

I'm disappointed by his reaction, or lack of it, tonight. Disappointed but not surprised.

I feel like I'm falling backwards, and theres no-one there to catch me. I feel like I'm so alone. Mostly though, I feel heartbroken beyond repair. I'm terrifed that even if he makes the effort to fix whats broken, I'm not sure if I have it in me anymore.

I'm not ready for this. Dear God I'm not ready, but its time.

I'm off....

Right quick update as not blogged here for a while.

1. I am off the pill. Whoo. It was giving me chronic 3 day migraines, and mood swings that made everyones life hell. Keeping a lid of the mood swings was hard enough for the sake of Pauls mental health, but I was not willing to put up with the migraines.

Now this leaves us with a bit of a predicament. I was only on the pill for period reasons, so if they fuck up again I am asking for a scan to see how thick the endometrial lining is, to see if I am at risk or not of developing endomentrial cancer. If I am I shall be asking for a high progesterone dose to kick start a shed every few months. This means I don't have to stay on the pill if I can't because of side effects. It may just mean I have to take a break from the pill for 9 months, and then back on it for 9 months, which seems to be the trigger point for most of the side-effects.

In the week I have been off it, my mood has stabilised. Books have deflated (thank Christ) and I'm not wanting to rage kill everyone who annoys me. I'm also no longer starving all the time.

2. I will be starting back on Cambridge diet as of 5th of July. I would start now, but alas I have gnocchi, veal, buffalo, noodles (Wagamama cookbook) and 1 week of placement left. I am going to chow down this week over dinners and get them sorted and out of the way.

3. Placement is going okay, feel a bit less of a complete tool now. The travelling time is a complete bastard though. 4 hours a day I'm racking up. I AM NOT going back to fucking Erskine unless I can drive.

4. On that note I have started driving lessons. Man says I'm a natural. This may be complete bullshit but am hoping to pass test quickly as the rules re driving change in October. Apparently you can't carry a passenger or drive at night. This is from my brother via my mum, so something may have been lost in communication.

5. Thats about it really. Wee odd thing been happening on placement. but nothing to really repost back.

There are no words...

Just been woken up this morning at 7:30 or there abouts by a woman screaming. Thought I was dreaming initially, but opened eyes and the was still screaming. And banging. And a mans voice shouting.

Then the screaming turned into "God no! Noooo! Someone help me. Please HELP me!" and she remained screaming "help me!" over and over again whilst I was window hanging and trying to work out where its coming from phone in hand. Getting dressed at same time, lifting a pair of latex gloves and mouth protector just in case. She's still desperately pleading "Help me" and by this point he's shouting "shut up". A baby starts wailing, and then a door slams. Everything goes quiet.

Debate to run out front door to see where the guys left from, or out the back to check a close door or two and see if I can hear anything from inside a flat.

Run out the back door in bare feet. Silence. Dead Silence. I can't even hear a baby crying anymore.

Wait for about 20 minutes outside, checking the odd close, and then come back in.

I'm shaking. I don't even know why I'm writing this here. Oh dear Jesus. I've only ever heard a few people plead like that. One was my mum. Its the pleading of a woman hoping against hope that someone, anyone, will come. This time will be the last time. Maybe this time was the last time. Its the crying of absolute dejection and misery and then pretending to the neighbours that the marks on your neck are love bites, and not where your husbands tried to strangle you. Its the not even using make up to cover up your mangled face because there is no point.

Oh Christ I'm a mess. I feel so guilty and yet there was nothing I could do. I wonder if she and her baby are okay. I hope they are. All I can still hear is "Help me. Please help me" in my head. There are no words to express just how shaken I am at the moment.

Going for a shower and a cup of tea. And a valium. I won't be able to sleep now for the rest of the day.

Oh. Mood swings you say?

Right first of all this is an apology. I'm sorry I've been a moody cow recently, and I really have been. I am mood swinging like a bitch at the moment. And I really am a bitch. Today went something like this:

Wake up. Happy plan to take dog walk to park for a couple of hours
Leave house with dog
Home. Fed up walking dog
Cry because I'm a lazy cow.
Make toast, watch a bit of TV
Wake Paul up with plans to go to shops and cinema.
Throw a shit fit at Paul for something wee and stupid. Refuse to go to cinema, or indeed leave the house. Calm down, apologise for being complete cow.
Go to shops. Get shopping. Manage to remain mostly okay, apart from when checkout girl tried to make polite chit chat about dog food and all I wanted to do was tell her to shut the fuck up and get on with the scanning. Exchanged polite chit chat and waited for taxi home instead.
Get home unpack shopping. Go mental at Paul for leaving fridge open whilst unpacking bags.
Calm down and apologise again.
Burst out crying.
Paul makes me lunch/dinner. I get annoyed because he asks me to get plates out.
We watch TV. I burst out crying because judge on Britains got Talent said no to a wee guy.
Go for a nap on couch to try and get a grip.
Wake up.
Watch film on TV. Spend next 2 hours crying.
Get annoyed with Paul because he tried to cuddle me.
Cry again.

Fuck sake. Its been like this for the past week or so. Up down, up down, up down. I feel alright in myself like, just a bit of an emotional rollercoater. Have explained to Paul that I'm a bit well, batshit at the moment, and to not go mental at me. I don't mean it, although I know its still horrible.

I'm here.

I'm still here, just I have been really busy studying for uni and writing essays and the like. Not updated in a while, although I did update my knitting blog today. Its a sure sign you are getting really old beyond your years when you start thinking "Ach, theres no much nicer than a wean in an aran jumper".

I need to get drunk and laid in that order.

What did I do?

Apologies to my comrades. I was drunk. Horrendously so, not in a staggery pished way, I think the JD served as a vehicle for my angry bitter inner shrew. So apologies once again.

The smoking stamp won't come off
I have Jack Daniels jobby
I have a hangover
I have the shame. I believe there was a camera phone involved at some point.

I resolve to keep in better shape from now on. I apologise again.

I ache

Freedom
Joy
Time
Missing
Connect
Risks
Autonomy
Independence

Responsibility weighs heavily my friends. Sometimes that responsibility is all that keeps me from floating away.

Sometimes I want to lash out and hurt people, just so they see.

Ever get that feeling....?

That somethings missing, or lacking and you just can't put your finger on it? You just know you're not where you should be? You feel restless and frustrated and you have no idea at what?

I find myself increasingly yearning for days gone by, which is unlike me, I'm mostly of the opinion that there's no point worrying about whats been, you can't change it, take whats happened and move on. So why am I harking for what has gone? I'm not even harking, it nostalgia more than anything I think. I mean I'll talk about things gone by but I generally try not to sweat the small stuff. Just now, I'm sweating the small stuff.

Feeling a bit broody and strangely weepy. Again not like me. I don't know whats going on, if I'm just a wee bit unsettled. I don't even want to argue with Paul (if there is something to argue about) just in case its the last thing we ever say to each other and its in anger. I don't know if its because of all the medical stuff thats going on at the moment (and what I'm learning) that I'm panicking it could happen. I'm obsessed that he might die and I'll be left. Alone. I'm not even harping on about the problems that we have been having, just in case, its the last discussion that we have and its the last memory he might have of me before he gets hit by a bus.

Like I say I have no idea whats wrong at the moment. I just know somethings not right and I don't know what the fuck it is. I think I might be ever so batshit crazy.

In other news, UPDATE YOUR FUCKING BLOGS.

well progress....

In a sense, although I think some aspects are slipping back a wee bit.

Uni going okay, although I seem to be superbusy, and think I will be until I have settled more into the way of things on the course.

Bought whitening strips for my teeth.

Thats really as exciting as it gets at the moment.

Things I discovered this weekend...

• I am Legend. Utter shite.
• The Odeon is fucking extortionate.
  
• My dog no longer is unwell
• JML are fraudsters
• Lilt Zero sugar tastes amazing
• I like wandering around IKEA
• I wish I had a bigger kitchen
• The Samaritans have an email service. And it works. This at least gets around the "I'm not allowed to talk to anyone" avenue
• My husband finally told me some truths. And boy did they hurt.
  

That's pretty much been my weekend.

Hello darkness my old friend

Well. Finally, repeat FINALLY, found my mobile. And all the missing pants. And some socks.

In other news to any friends who may be feeling as if I'm ignoring you. I'm not. I'm just thoroughly a misery bag at the moment and I'm not very much fun to be around at the moment. Plus I've only just found my mobile and I'm not on MSN very much these days. Needless to say the situation here remains very much the same.

In other news I start university on the 28th January. So at least thats something

kthnxbi