Day one of antidepressants...

Yup its that time again. The time where I go to the doctors and admit that Im feeling like this and that I've started self harming again. The time where he tries to sign me off work, and I refuse because otherwise I would be in a house all day every day, that Im reminded isnt mines.

So diagnosed with depression. Given anti dpressants. They are only giving me 4 weeks at a time worth of tablets, Why? Because Im a suicide risk and they dont trust me not to repeat last time when I played tablet roulette. I think in an odd way Pauls relieved. Last tim he panicked. He was so scared and that is the only thing I feel guilty about. That I scared him so much. I still wish I had finished it.

the stupid thing is that I could so easily do what I did last time and tour the chemists and but 16 of one extra strength tablet, 16 of another and so on until the final stop the offy. So limiting me to 28 anti dperessants isnt really a failsafe. But I can't tell them that or it leads to a whole pile of shit.

But this time I know it will hurt, Not a lot of people realise commiting suicide via overdose does hurt, I've never known pain like it. You can actually feel you stomach crumbling and you liver going "oooohhh not good". It hurts. You just want to sleep but they keep you awake.

I remember it all so vividly, I remember lying to the CPN who saw me after 3 days hooked up to a drip, saying yes I was fine, No I won't try it again, Just so I could get home. I felt the other patients on the ward were looking at me, that they knew. I felt such a fraud. I mean they are in for treatment because they are ill. Im in because I'm weak and cant handle life.

One good thing. Appetites gone, bet you I still put on fucking weight though.......

"It's the best thing that you ever had, the best thing you have had has gone away."

I took a panic attack on the bus today. I stabbed myself with a paperclip in work.

I am alone in all things.

I feel really disconnected from everything thats not me.

I know this weekend will be spent alone. Again. Because everyone will forget. They always do. I can only blame myself. In all things.

The best thing I ever had was taken away. And no-one knows. No one cares. No one understands just how much it eats at me when I'm like this. I hurt myself because its the only thing that I can control.

How much pain can one person take before they can't take anymore? There is no hope for the people who are in the hollow place I am. I am the hollow place. I am hollow.