Fuck sake. Busy. You dont know the meaning of the word.

I feel as if Ive not had time to sit this week.

ANYHOO.

Joined the gym at the Thistle Hotel, Paul joined with me. Have resolved to go as often as possible, went yesterday. Went today. Had a good work out, burned 550 calories according to the wee carie counter thingy on the machines.

32 minutes on cross trainer on "weight loss program"
10 minutes on Bike on "weight loss program"
10 minutes on Treadmill on "walking like a bastard programme"
and 5 minutes on the rower. Either I dont like that much or my legs were tired from the cross trainer.

and then some weights on lowest weight setting and some reps until I felt tired.

That was after a 12 hour day at work (office only today), so I didnt get home till 9. Im shattered, and thats what the rest of my week is going to look like. Im ready for bed as I type. What else. Oh aye, food. Im doing Paul McKennas I can Make you thin. Seems to be working, If only that I need to develop a more relaxed relationship woth food. Need to stop obsessing. Today I had

2 weetabix with skimmed milk and a small banana
carrot and butterbean soup and 2 pieces of bread, an apple
a banana and a apple pre gym
a slice of bread and marge, 4 sausages, an egg and 2 pieces of bacon.
and now a cup of tea and a yoghurt.

Need to go, I have more news but Pauls nagging me to go play PC games,

later

So. Went to see the gym this afternoon with Paul. They want £60 a month for us both as a joint membership. Its small, but also deserted. So Pros and Cons it seems.

Woke up at 6:20 this morning, and couldnt get back to sleep, got up after tryign to get back to sleep for 20 minutes and went to work early instead, went to work, met Paul for lunch at Elliots. Thelunch was disappointing but the company was good.

Work blows at the moment. Busy Busy Busy

Started taking Bach Flower remedies. Taking Larch and Gorse at the moment. Cant do any harm, so Im not too concerned at the moment,

Watching My Name is Earl. Its okay. Halfway through the first season.

Meh.

well. Win some and you lose some. Some absolute fucker stole my planters from outside. Cunts

waiting on dinner arriving just now.

I dunno where to go now, just free floating anxiety at the moment.

but hey, what can you do?. Ive decided I'm going to join the gym.

I can spare myself a hour a day. I deserve a hour a day

baby steps.

I miss when I used to look like this......



Im so tired.

Pauls not here.


oh yeah and 2 week long periods also blow.

How do you react to stress?

Im locking myself away again. I dont want to see anyone, I dont want to do anything except clean. Im shutting myself off again. I clean and clean. My cleaning routine went like this. Did dishes in the sink, dried, put away, wiped down worktops, cleaned cooker, oven and microwave. reorganised cupboards, cleaned around the top, washed floor on hands and knees, wiped down cupboard doors, cleaned the skirting boards, scriubbed the bath, cleaned the toilet, debated reorganising the bedroom. Realised I hadnt eaten anything all day, ate some soba noodles with boiled prawn. washed all the woodwork in the flat. went for a shower.

I spent a hour in the shower today unintentionally because I just zoned off. All I could feel was the water drumming off my back and head. Time I realised how long I'd been in there was because the music had stopped. And I was on my knees, face down in the bath. Im losing time again. Last time this happened I tried to kill myself, I was zoning out and losing time, last time I was also working 2 jobs, studying and coping with my mum. Last time I also wasnt sleeping.

I feel I cant talk to anyone about how Im feeling because they'll just think that Im doing this for sympathy or attention. I cant self-harm anymore even though the urge is there and its so strong at times, Thursday was a bad day. Instead, I paid for 2 piercings and that helped a bit. Took the edge off,

All I can do is try and keep busy, keep active. Was considering joining the gym again just up form the house, but when would I have time? I have 2 jobs, and doing OU, This week I did 72 hours. That leaves me with a Sunday, Monday Tuesday and Wednesday night. That should be enough. Im going to try and get to the gym at some point this week to see what its like.

Im not sleeping as well as I could be. I cant seem to stay asleep and I dont want to go back on antidepressants. I didnt go to bed last night until about 2, got up and ate half a muller rice about 4 in the morning, had a cuppa tea, back to bed about 5, and then up ate 8. I ant sleep. If I tell the doctor they'll put me on antidepressants again.I need something else to fix this. Exercise? therapy? Maybe I just need my mum to get better. I dont think she'll ever get better though.

Im buying her house because the £150 - 200 a month Im going to be paying in a mortgage for her may at least give me some peace of mind, I'll work myself into the ground if it'll keep her from trying to kill herself. Ill do it for her. I can never tell her though. Is that what love is? sacrifice unconditionally? and what if it doesnt make her better? I dont know what to do. Im so confused, Nothing ever seems to change. I want it all to go away. But it wont. It wont ever go away. Sometimes I wish she was dead. Then I hate myself for thinking like this, and have this huge pit of dread and guilt that I carry with me in case something DOES happen to her, so I have to try and keep busy instead so I dont have time to think. I cant have any time to think ot I'll just implode.

What about me?