I'm off....

Right quick update as not blogged here for a while.

1. I am off the pill. Whoo. It was giving me chronic 3 day migraines, and mood swings that made everyones life hell. Keeping a lid of the mood swings was hard enough for the sake of Pauls mental health, but I was not willing to put up with the migraines.

Now this leaves us with a bit of a predicament. I was only on the pill for period reasons, so if they fuck up again I am asking for a scan to see how thick the endometrial lining is, to see if I am at risk or not of developing endomentrial cancer. If I am I shall be asking for a high progesterone dose to kick start a shed every few months. This means I don't have to stay on the pill if I can't because of side effects. It may just mean I have to take a break from the pill for 9 months, and then back on it for 9 months, which seems to be the trigger point for most of the side-effects.

In the week I have been off it, my mood has stabilised. Books have deflated (thank Christ) and I'm not wanting to rage kill everyone who annoys me. I'm also no longer starving all the time.

2. I will be starting back on Cambridge diet as of 5th of July. I would start now, but alas I have gnocchi, veal, buffalo, noodles (Wagamama cookbook) and 1 week of placement left. I am going to chow down this week over dinners and get them sorted and out of the way.

3. Placement is going okay, feel a bit less of a complete tool now. The travelling time is a complete bastard though. 4 hours a day I'm racking up. I AM NOT going back to fucking Erskine unless I can drive.

4. On that note I have started driving lessons. Man says I'm a natural. This may be complete bullshit but am hoping to pass test quickly as the rules re driving change in October. Apparently you can't carry a passenger or drive at night. This is from my brother via my mum, so something may have been lost in communication.

5. Thats about it really. Wee odd thing been happening on placement. but nothing to really repost back.

There are no words...

Just been woken up this morning at 7:30 or there abouts by a woman screaming. Thought I was dreaming initially, but opened eyes and the was still screaming. And banging. And a mans voice shouting.

Then the screaming turned into "God no! Noooo! Someone help me. Please HELP me!" and she remained screaming "help me!" over and over again whilst I was window hanging and trying to work out where its coming from phone in hand. Getting dressed at same time, lifting a pair of latex gloves and mouth protector just in case. She's still desperately pleading "Help me" and by this point he's shouting "shut up". A baby starts wailing, and then a door slams. Everything goes quiet.

Debate to run out front door to see where the guys left from, or out the back to check a close door or two and see if I can hear anything from inside a flat.

Run out the back door in bare feet. Silence. Dead Silence. I can't even hear a baby crying anymore.

Wait for about 20 minutes outside, checking the odd close, and then come back in.

I'm shaking. I don't even know why I'm writing this here. Oh dear Jesus. I've only ever heard a few people plead like that. One was my mum. Its the pleading of a woman hoping against hope that someone, anyone, will come. This time will be the last time. Maybe this time was the last time. Its the crying of absolute dejection and misery and then pretending to the neighbours that the marks on your neck are love bites, and not where your husbands tried to strangle you. Its the not even using make up to cover up your mangled face because there is no point.

Oh Christ I'm a mess. I feel so guilty and yet there was nothing I could do. I wonder if she and her baby are okay. I hope they are. All I can still hear is "Help me. Please help me" in my head. There are no words to express just how shaken I am at the moment.

Going for a shower and a cup of tea. And a valium. I won't be able to sleep now for the rest of the day.

Oh. Mood swings you say?

Right first of all this is an apology. I'm sorry I've been a moody cow recently, and I really have been. I am mood swinging like a bitch at the moment. And I really am a bitch. Today went something like this:

Wake up. Happy plan to take dog walk to park for a couple of hours
Leave house with dog
Home. Fed up walking dog
Cry because I'm a lazy cow.
Make toast, watch a bit of TV
Wake Paul up with plans to go to shops and cinema.
Throw a shit fit at Paul for something wee and stupid. Refuse to go to cinema, or indeed leave the house. Calm down, apologise for being complete cow.
Go to shops. Get shopping. Manage to remain mostly okay, apart from when checkout girl tried to make polite chit chat about dog food and all I wanted to do was tell her to shut the fuck up and get on with the scanning. Exchanged polite chit chat and waited for taxi home instead.
Get home unpack shopping. Go mental at Paul for leaving fridge open whilst unpacking bags.
Calm down and apologise again.
Burst out crying.
Paul makes me lunch/dinner. I get annoyed because he asks me to get plates out.
We watch TV. I burst out crying because judge on Britains got Talent said no to a wee guy.
Go for a nap on couch to try and get a grip.
Wake up.
Watch film on TV. Spend next 2 hours crying.
Get annoyed with Paul because he tried to cuddle me.
Cry again.

Fuck sake. Its been like this for the past week or so. Up down, up down, up down. I feel alright in myself like, just a bit of an emotional rollercoater. Have explained to Paul that I'm a bit well, batshit at the moment, and to not go mental at me. I don't mean it, although I know its still horrible.