At a time of year where I already feel low due to past and current events, life decides to step up and order an extra side of pain, misery and loss.
I thought self-denial at the time was a good thing, but now I don't want to go through it all again. Two for two Marri.
I'm utterly terrified of the constant pattern of loss. So I'm bereft at the thought of it happening again.
I'm feeling it hard at the moment. Even though if anyone asks its a shrug and a "What can you do? What could I have done?", but I'm feeling it.
This will make no sense to anyone bar a couple of people. And that's fine. I just don't want anything at the moment. And call yourself a friend? Why make plans and then not bother to show? Fine. I'd rather know how the ground lies this way. Ram your fucking "friendship".
Friday, October 17, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I....
Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'
Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults
And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May do you wanna get married ?
Or run away"
I miss feeling like I'm the only most important thing.
In other news: He's trying. At times I think its enough, and at others I feel its too late and that its will never be fixed.
I can't wait until my next placement is finished. I think half of the problem is me. I feel trapped by the mundaneness of the very lifestyle I thought was my goal. I miss the freedom of being able to just get up, get dressed and just go out. Having no-one to answer to. The problem is that I'm surrounded by people yet I still feel alone. I'm still trying to articulate how I'm feeling and all I can say is that I feel claustrophobic and fit to burst and unanchored at the same time. I feel like I don't know where I belong. Is this what I really want. My life I mean?
I find myself yearning to be the object. To be the centre of someone. Just to feel like someone sees me.
None of this makes any sense and I have no idea why I'm even putting it here. I feel so jumbled.
Anyway. He's trying. I'm trying but we still have a way to go yet.
The things you wanna feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'
Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults
And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May do you wanna get married ?
Or run away"
I miss feeling like I'm the only most important thing.
In other news: He's trying. At times I think its enough, and at others I feel its too late and that its will never be fixed.
I can't wait until my next placement is finished. I think half of the problem is me. I feel trapped by the mundaneness of the very lifestyle I thought was my goal. I miss the freedom of being able to just get up, get dressed and just go out. Having no-one to answer to. The problem is that I'm surrounded by people yet I still feel alone. I'm still trying to articulate how I'm feeling and all I can say is that I feel claustrophobic and fit to burst and unanchored at the same time. I feel like I don't know where I belong. Is this what I really want. My life I mean?
I find myself yearning to be the object. To be the centre of someone. Just to feel like someone sees me.
None of this makes any sense and I have no idea why I'm even putting it here. I feel so jumbled.
Anyway. He's trying. I'm trying but we still have a way to go yet.
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