I've had it

Seriously, Its all so fucking pointless. I've rode the storm all I can, and theres no fight left in me to hang on anymore on my own. It's coming to an end shortly now. I am yet again, alone in all things, and theres not really much I can do anymore.

There might be but I don't know if I can, I dont know if I am wanted to do anything anymore.

I sitting here alone, typing about being alone, to a blog no-one reads. Can it really get any more lonley than this?

I'm going to explode if I don't get out. I'm just going to lose it. Banging my head off a brick wall trying to connect, trying to explain, trying to just GET IT THROUGH. Nothing seems to be working anymore and I don't know what I'm doing wrong, or right. I don't know which way is up. I'm being made to jump through hoops for no reward.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm past bravado, I'm past anger and I'm past depair. I have now officially reached Lost. Population 1.

how does one arrange an introduction?

Either way its looking like a forgone conclusion now. "I don't know" repeatedly is wearing a bit thin and I'm utterly fed up.

Here we go again

It seems that we are back to "this" again. Fine.

Grin and bear it, or pack up and leave. Maybe aI should do a poll?

Whatever

Stoled from Semp

60 things about me, many of which you probably knew already.

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
I don't have a car. Next.

2. When was the last time you threw up?
This morning. And everyother day this week.

3. Whats your favorite curse word?
Fuck. Shite or Arse also appear regularly

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?
I'll go with yesterday as today is only just happening, so Paul, Lexie and Mum.

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Sleeping

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Drinking coffee

8. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Nope

9. What is the last thing you said aloud?
Helllo! We goin' a walk? Go get your leash

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
Not right keen on Ice cream, but if I had to pick, Mint.

11.What was the last thing you had to drink?
Coffee, white with 1 sweetner.

12. What are you wearing right now?
A towel.

13. What was the last thing you ate?
A milk choc digestive

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
No. No I haven't.

15. When was the last time you ran?
Yestaerday whilt trying to catch the dog who dont a "boady" whilst off her leash.

16. Whats the last sporting event you watched?
Worlds strongest man.

18. Who is the last person to whom you sent a comment/message on myspace?
I dont have a myspace?

19. Ever go camping?
Nope

20. Do you have a tan?
Nope, dont tan.

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw?
Yes, makes it last longer.

25. What did your last text message say?
Your Orange just talk account had £0.34 remaing, to top up...

25. Are you someone's best friend?
I don't know. I'm pretty removed. I have friends but I don't know if I'm anoyines best friend unless you count Paul

27. What are you doing tomorrow?
Lie in. Knitting. Watching Sharpe

28. Where is your Mum right now?
Dunno

29. Look to your left, what do you see?
Radiator, mirror, wall

30. What colour is your watch?
Marquesite/silver. When I wear it.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Big, underpopulated and racist.

32. Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Whooooo yup.

33. What is your birthstone?
Dunno. Garnet or amethyst I think. January anyway

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
Go in as cant go through drive through. I did once hail a taxi and drive that through though.

35. Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate?
no my space

36. Do you have a dog?
Yep, Lexie. She a pain in teh ass.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Pauls mum.

38. Have you met anyone famous?
Beyond the odd band. author no, no-one of stratospheric fame

39. Any plans today?
Yup, get dressed and away for a facial

40. How many states have you lived in?
Scotland and thats it

41. Ever go to college?
yup.

42. Where are you right now?
In my living room, sitting in front of the his 'n' hers computers.

44. Last song listened to?
Korn - Coming undone. Not my pick btw

46. Are you allergic to anything?
Elastoplast. Make me itchy

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
MBT's

48. Are you jealous of anyone?
Sometimes

50. Is anyone jealous of you?
I'd be very surprised if they were.

51. What time is it?
11:17

52. Do any of your friends have children?
Several of them do.

53. Do you eat healthy?
I try. Dieting as we speak. Generally yeas, I just eat too damn much

54. What do you usually do during the day?
Work, surprisingly enough.

55. Do you hate anyone right now?
No.

56. Do you use the word hello daily?
Yes a great big overly cheerful trilling "Helllooooo" at work to everyone I pass. If my time at works fucking miserable so should thiers be.

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
26

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
No. I don't even know what it is

60. How did you get one of your scars?
I fell against a door runner splitting my face open. My nose is still scarred.
the one above my eyebrown where my mum punched me.

Xmas preperation begins in earnest

RSI and knitting a Paul sized Xmas gift
	so do not combine. My hands are really painful, and my biceps are sore from the weight of said Paul Xmas gift. Can't post what it is, but may well start a knitting blog. Dunno if I can be bothered being that crafty at the moment. Away to take some more painkillers and nurse my wounded wifely hands. Oh the humanity! Knitting a wee jumper and hat for Lee, will endevour to get finished asap. Dunno wether to go for a pattern or cosiness factor. Im going to hedge of cosiness factor I think so its going to be high necked ribbed number I think.

Hungary....

Going to Budapest in January for 4 nights. All booked up and good to go.

Whoo!

Meh

Moany Moanie moan moan, moan moan moan. Moany Moany Moany. Moan. Moany Moan? Aye, Moan Moany Moan.

That was how my day went.

Weight loss.
Week 6 weigh in down. Results as follows..
Start weight: 15st 6lbs
Todays weight: 13st 3lbs
Total weight lost: 31lbs (2st 3lbs)
Start size: 18-20
current size: 16

Its all good. Apart from the moany moan moany...

Life bites me in the arse. . .

Just back from the doctors and I feel really down at the moment.

Have been told that I should be trying for a baby now, not delaying like I was until I was going to be 29-30. She said that I should even be contacting the uni to ask for a deferrment for a year or two to try and have a baby then start my course, and certainly not delay having any kids to anything past 28. As I am damaging my fertlity by waiting, apparently my PCOS is not helped by waiting

I said I can't as going back to uni in Feb, and its a 3 year course. She then asked what I would like more, a family or a career. I answered honestly at this point a career, Im not ready for a baby. She said then that fertility treatment is looking likely as my PCOS will be worse.

I dont know how to feel at the moment, other than really down. I'm so tired of this. I'm just so sick of it all at the moment. I want to go home from work, curl up in bed and cry for a bit. I want both but its looking like I'm going to have to choose one or the other. We're swaying towards baby, but I'm so unhappy in work I can't stay here either and theres also the practical implications too.

I wish things were simple again. I wish my stupid body didnt betray me and that this hadnt come at a time of year where it would be the birthday of a baby I'd miscarried.

Ironic eh?

end of diet week 4.....

Total Lost: 24 and 1/4 lbs
Total Inches Lost : 12. 4 each from bust, waist and hips.
Start weight: 15st 6
Current weight: 13 st 10 3/4lbs.
Mood: Thrilled. Fucking Thrilled!

Went and bought some clothes in a size 12-14 to aim for in the next 6 weeks. Size 14's for the win at Christmas! :D

week 2 on the diet

Technically we are in the start of week 3, but weigh in as follows!

Week 1 - 11lbs off
Week 2 - 4.25 lbs off

So two weeks down and I have lost over a stone. To say I am thrilled is beyond words :D

Progress models are to the side. This actually upsets me when I look at how big I let myself become. I actually cried. Anyhoo reading left to right.
Pic 1. Start weight
Pic 2. Weight as of Monday
Pic 3. Target weight for Christmas
Pic 4. Target weight of 10 stone (might aim for less, am unsure about this though)

Im getting so sick of this

Other than indulging in some button mashing rage, not much is going to make me feel better just now. I'm so close to walking from everything. You know that way you have a moment of astounding clarity, almost an epiphany, and you think "What the fuck am I doing?". That moment where you realise that things aren't getting better, it just been that old friend Self Delusion visitong again?

Had one earlier tonight. Im sick of it all. I'm sick of being me.

You know its been a hard night when you are pricing flights to New Zealand and Austrailia :(

Day 7 of diet

I'm finding it really hard so far today. Yesterday was hard. Cheated yesterday. Ate a spoonful of stew and a spoonful of apple crumble. Felt shit afterwards. Don't think its helped that my CD Counsellor just gave me 6 shakes as packs over the next couple of days when I had requested mixed, but she wasn't in when I went to collect them. Ach well.

Need to get arse into gear and stop nibbling. Need to stick on Sole Source. No solid food. Just shakes and water. 0.5l down already. 2.5l to go.

I WILL get there I just need to grit my teeth and hang in there. I can't afford to fail at this. Weigh in is tomorrow and all I need to do is hang in there until 5pm tomorrow and I'll see how the weeks effort has paid off.

FFS... A study in time and motion

If I said to you "we have to be there for 5:30 sharp. Before I book it can you make it? 5:30 on the dot okay?"

Would you interpret this to mean?

• you have to leave work at 5:38?
• You might just wander along anyway?
• you don't really have to be there for 5:30, that was just the organiser talking out her arse?

Either way £27.50 wasted for sweet fuck all. Personally I could have done without it. The cherry comes from the " I tried to phone you" shite that I'm sick of. Really? Tried to phone me? When? Half a hour a go you say? During which time the phone made no fucking noise whatsoever?

And the band played, Beleive it if you like!

day 4 diet

Day 4 down, and Im not going to say how much weigh I've lost as am saving it for Mondays weigh in.

Mondays weigh in is going to be good. Wish me luck!

In other news mice babies have fur!

I'm tired

Absolutely knacked. Thats pretty much it really.

Kthnxbi

Day 2

And then there were 4. Tried hand feeding the wee one, but I think by that point it was perhaps too little, too late for the wee thing. and she died. She was cold as I picked her up, but still moving so I thnk she was one her way out anyway. Didnt seem to warm up any. But we still have 4 healthy big strong babies left. So fingers crossed.

Day 1

And we are already down to 5 baby mice, and a further one looking like she's not going to make it. The other 4 are bigger, deep pink and moving vigorously about within thier wee confines, this last wee ones a bit paler and making weaker movements, and I can't see any strong white around her stomach area indicating that she's recently fed... Trying to keep them all together for the warmth and I'll see how she gets on. In the first photo she's the topmost mouse, looking a bit paler.

Fat Mouse

is now skinny again as she has given birth to 6 wee pink squirming mice. Will try and get photos for a daily update on thier progress. They squeak in a high pitched "meep" when the other mice stand on them, she doesn't seem to take an awful lot of notice of them, so will keep an eye on that, but I dont really want to hand rear baby mice. 2 hourly feedings including duing the night does not augur well.

Ach well, watch this space. I may well just be worrying over nothing.

No idea what colour they will be, as no idea who the dad is (she is a loose moose) as pet shop sold me her pregnant. Fuckin' petshop.

Ah the boy IS funny sometimes

Watching "Up close and dangerous animals" or some such, and its a feature on Hippos
"And now Derek came face to face with Africa's biggest killer..."
"What? Robert Mugabe?!?"
Ah bless the boy does have a sense of humaour after all.

Im other news, I got stung my a wasp twice today. ON TEH TOE! Tis sore

I made Bhuna style pork, with lovely pilau rice (cardomon, cloves, sugar, bay leaf, turmeric, salt and cinnamon) with a homemade Strawberry cheesecake for afters.

Apart from the wasp stingage it has been a good day.

Ow.

Head hurts. Hell of a hangover.
I took my bra off in the Catty. The shame. At least that wasnt a bad dare as far as some of the other cards went.
But oh dear God my head still hurts, And its 17:21pm

Think I can sue the council?

Lexie cut her paw in the park yesterday/Monday.

This has so far (and we're still counting here) cost me £215 for stitches, dressings and meds. All because some wee scummy cunt was drinking in the park and smashed a bottle, which she then ran over, slicing her pad open.

I'm thinking of taking the council to small claims.

HAW! Sweetheart? S'cuse me? Haw DARLIN?

Was the hail of the tracksuit clad denizen of Ibrox as I made my way home. Tried to ignore it

"Here see that TATTOO wis it sore?"
"Haw Sweetheart I like your Tattoo"
"Scuse me darlin.."

At which point I stopped trying to ignore and turned around. One brief conversation about tattoos later and the attention turns to Paul.

Guy "Aww mate I like your shirt, is that like that Manga?"
Lassie "Whit ye talking aboot? Is Manga like Ganja?"
Guy "Naw, its japanese Cartoons"

To be fair they were failry polite about the whole thing but the whole Manga/ganga thing cracked us up.

you know whats really disturbing?

Realising that the reason the cusions have been pulled off the couch and slightly damp, and the dog getting whiney when you pick said cushion up, isnt because she's "making herself comfortable".

But because she's been pumping your cushions, and in my case my pillow. She's in season, and horny and to an extent its a wee shame, so to concede I've just gave her the cushion she seems to have gotten attached to and stripped all other covers and the like to wash. So its rather disturbing to be watching TV and then out of the corner of your eye see the dog thrusting at a cushion. Pauls freaked as he's never had a girl dog (no jokes, heard them all thank you) so he's alternating between laughing at her and freaking out when she tries to lick his leg.

Tried to look online for any advice, but unsurprisingly "dog masturbation", "Bitch mounting" and "bitch masturbation" gets me to some rather dubious sites, and for some reason Great Dane Porn, which is ultimately rather unsettling.

Stuff

• Finished "Bother Odd"

• Sold 2 books on Amazon. Netted £20.

• Bought Paul new trainers.

• Started my Indian Head Massage course today too, which also has the revelation that it includes back massage. I need to complete case studies so will be experimenting on everyone that I can get my (well-oiled) hands on. Today we learned how to set up the massage area, and steps 1-3 of 57 (57 movements/moves in an Indian Head massage), how to cleanse the back, open chakras, and oil up good.

One guy in a class of 14. Women walking about wearing towels as you have to touch each other whilst oiled up good. May a wet dream for a young chap in there I think.

I may well develop thumbs of Olympian standards.

That is all.

Pig tit

Bought some belly of pork rashers. Thought they'd be lovely roasted, all crispy with potato, cabbage and fried onion (What's that you say, Polish heritage? Pork, potatoes and cabbage?)

So all was good until I was putting the rachers in some seasoning to go in the oven.

"Funny looking bit of fat...Is that...?PAUL!!! Do you want some PIG TIT?!?!"

He failed to see the funny side and so far has refused to eat anything all night. Even if its not been pig tit. Apparently throwing a wee hairless pig nip at your husband does not improve marital relations. The dog loved the pig tit though, knew she'd come in handy for something...

What the actual fuck?

I got my 20 million blood tests back today. Turns out I'm anemic.

What the actual fuck? How can I be anemic? Okay, I'm pale but I've always been pale, and I donate blood regularly, and I've never had a problem.

Have to phone doctor for a phone consultation on Thursday, see what she says. But either way that sucks.

In other news dog is working out well. We've taught her to lie down now :0)

Scapey found a balloon

I found this. I is keeping it

So...

Not really got much to say. Been working away, doing OT as much as possible and thats about it really.

No change on the home front, some of you will know what I'm talking about.

In other news... well there doesn't really seems to be a whole lot of other news at the moment. I'll try and get something interesting and report back.

Things you do when you're half asleep

Y'know like sling the alarm off?

Not stoat down a flight of stairs wearing a towel (must have pulled jammies off when sleeping) to shout at a neighbor at 2am?

Came back upstairs, put jammie bottoms and a tee-shirt on, marched down stairs again and proceeded to shout at her for slamming her door all the fucking time, thus waking me up. Again.

So thats what I was doing at 2:30am. Back to sleep, forgot all about it and then remembered halfway through OT. Damned if I'm apologising. Cunt wont me up at 2:30. Could explain why I'm so fucking grumpy though

On a seperate note

I found this on the internet. Take from it what you will

So...Stage 7

Righty. Im being referred to the fat bastard clinic at the Royal. Seriously. It transpires I might be in the same class as the 28 STONE lassie at my work. Lets look at those numbers again folks. 28 STONES, thats 2 of me. Thats a lot of me. Not being funny, but fuxake, Im not that bad. Yet.

Im also being referred to a PCOS specialist at the Southern. Which I'm pleased about at perhaps, maybe finally someone with a view to better treatment and management might be helpful as opposed to just trying to constantly put me on the pill.

Not that it matters anyway, I genuinely don't care anymore, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference anyway. Fat and hormonally imbalanced or thin and hormonally imbalanced. Matters fuck all either way and I say that with an air of acceptance and not one of despair. I am now at the acceptance and hope stage of grieving for the old me, and that's cool. Honestly. It'll come right in the end.

Right. Thats it.

After the wedding. I'm losing weight(cant just now or bridesmaid dress wont fit), and once I've lost a decent amount I'm gonna go whoring.

In the meantime I've signed up for a reiki and an Indian Head Massage Class to keep meoccupied. I will be looking for guinea pigs btw. So be warned.

Thats guinea pigs for the reiki and massage, not the whoring. Obviously

Validation?

I passed! Whoo. Go me! etc etc etc

I was thinking about starting another course, but with starting

uni in February it means I would be sitting 2 exams at once, and I dont think it would be a good idea.

Good to know though that I can do it.

I is pleased

Sigh

Right. I'm so fed up with the recurring situation that I find myself that I'm not even going to bother blogging it. I mean seriously, if I'm fucked off with it how boring must it be for you guys to actually read it, roll you eyes and say (out loud if not alone) "Christ, all she does is fucking moan. Moan moan moan moan".

So I'm keeping it all inside, where it will turn into an ulcer, and eventually rupture and kill me.

From Saturday me and Paul (hereafter referred to as "him" due to recent events) are conducting an experiment to see just how cheap we can make the food bill for the week. Practice and all that.

I is knitting a scarf

Perhaps with a matching hat. I've not decided on the hat yet.

Thats pretty much it. Its been quiet here.

passionless observation of human nature

I'm finding it so hard to get motivated about anything at the moment.

I'm actually getting to the stage of accepting my weight. That's how bad it is. Then I'm having a manic moment of "I want to lose weight NOW", and that too will pass in a short time/few minutes, and I'm back to not really caring one way or another.

It's not the same as being depressed. I'm not angry, raging, weepy, or anything. I don't feel down, I don't feel a great weight/lethargy, I just feel... dry.

Dry is really the only way to describe the sheer emptiness of how I feel. I feel okay, I'm not upset about it, I just feel... Oh I don't know. I find it impossible to get worked up about anything. Usually subjects that would have me ranting at the world and its injustices are being met with a shrug and an "ah well". I even knocked back pumpin'. Twice.

Its like I'll start eating my dinner, get about halfway through it and think, "I don't really want this anymore". So I'll start watching TV, get a bit through the program and wander off to do something else. Say dishes. So I'll start the dishes, get some of them done and decide "I'll leave the rest" and wander away leaving the sink full of water.

Previously where I would try to balance 1 full time job, a part time job and study, and try and fit everything else in between, life was a huge juggling act. I'm not sure how I could manage that now. It all seems like so much of an effort.

I'm in!

Conditional accpetance for Feb '08, assuming that I pass my medical (I'm still a heifer, but apart from the PCOS, I'm feeling pretty damn good) and the Police Disclosure check (I is clean man), then its cheerio civil service and hello studenthood.

In other news I've been having my fair shar of retard moments. Like when I couldn't get the door of the taxi open. Cartoonlike escapades of feet against the side of the car, yanking the handle with all by bingo winged might. Its not budging. Pauls uses two fingers (I always said that boy can do more with two... nah too easy) and the door slides open. There's been others.

Went tomy aunties for dinner yesterday, well it was supposed to be lunch but copious amounts of wine was consumed, and it led to much hilarity. One aunt on other side of my wetting herself laughing because I was trying to describe my clit peircing to my other aunt without myuncle hearing. The phrase "You know your wee button? The first bit you come to? The wee man in the boat?" set Aunt Karen off into hysterics.

A good day was had by all, and hopefully we'll do it again at some point soon. Some family skeletons out the closet, but all things considered went smoothly.

Tomorrow

I find out if I'm out, or in.

And on a side note, you know I always moan about him snoring? How it drives me insane and keeping me awake?

You know what would be really ironic? If I'd been trying to get to sleep for the past hour and a half but unable to because there's no snoring.

HMRC, Is the "H" for horrible?

Had to phone HMRC today from work because someone, another Local Office had received mis-directed mail and sent it to us.

So being nice phoned for the address and was met with what could only be described as a barrage of hostility and rudeness.

"Hi my names Marri and I'm calling from [insert work place]"
"Yes?"
"Well I have an item of mail here, its an Inland Revenue form and its been misdirected to us by mistake, so I'm phoning for the address to send it back to please, I can't see it on the form and I can't see it in the Yellow Pages"
"You've opened the mail?"
"Well, not me, our mail opening and they have sent it to us, its just been mis-directed"
"You've no right to open that mail, its not addressed to you"
"Excuse me? I've explained it was misdirected to our office and I'm trying to send it back to you, there is no returning address, I didn't open it and I would appreciate the address to re-direct it properly."
"Theres no address on the form?"
"As I've explained twice, no, because if you had perhaps put the address on the form the customer might have been able to send it to the correct office and I wouldn't be phoning you looking for an address to send you back information you have presumably asked for."

Silence

Address is then given and call is ended. Seriously get a fucking grip. You try to do someone a favour

I know, I know...

I shouldn't worry. He'll be okay, but it's still an overnight flight and stay to London, and given recent events I'm worried.

I'm always worried but I'm slightly ashamed to say that if I had the option of him staying here and not having to fly to London I would be pushing him to take it.

On a side note my kitchen looks like a huge litter tray minus the shit. Turns out the washing machine has been leaking ever ... so... slightly over aperiod of time which means when we have finally discovered the leak its leaked down the back of the machine, under the lino and grown slime ould under most of the kitchen flooring. We discovered this as we were cutting away a bit at a time to see how deep that rabbhit hole actually went. So lifted the lino, and spread cat litter down to absorb the moisture from the soakedwood. It's mostly dried out now, but I need new flooring in the kitchen.

Gah.

IDIOT ALERT! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!

"Hello Marri-Louise. Can you tell us what preperation you have made for today?"

"I'm sorry I don't understand the question"
"How have you prepared for today"
"Well I ironed my clothes. Seriously I took a "dry run" on the bus a few days before to know where I was going, how I would get there and factored in some extra traffic time. I made a back up plan in case the bus didn't show."
"Did you practice any questions?"
"No. Not because I'm unconcerned about the interview but because when I rehearse or plan I tend to sound scripted. The result of that is that I think it's hard to come across as enthusiastic about something if you have been learning it by rote for the past few weeks and I would like you to see my answers, hopefully like them but also recognise the enthusiasm and passion I have for this area."

Which was a bit of a lie.
So. Planned my answer to the question about "Why do you want to be a nurse?" as its the only one that I could be confident they would ask.

Decided that they would like to hear about how I have weighed up the profession, was aware of the low status, difficulties dealing with difficult patients, but I felt it was a rewarding career rather than a job, scope for progression and lifelong learning due to constant changes and advances in care. I felt that no two days would be the same, wide variety of work, and an opportunity for personal growth within an ever expanding and redefining itself sector.

So they ask me.

I freeze

" I want to be a nurse because I feel on a personal level I can make a difference. I deeply care about people, I empathise with them and if I can make them better or even make them more comfortable by providing care then it's what I'm going to aim for. Its because I care passionately about this and the people I'd be caring for that I want to be a nurse"

This folks is why I'm a fucktard . But it gets better. Oh yes, because their next question was "Well if you care that much why haven't you pursued a career in a care environment on the past 7 years as a care assistant?". Here is where I excel myself.

"Well I'll be honest because I think that you would value the honesty and I'm a rotten liar. The money. Care Assistant's don't get paid enough, and as the full theory behind me finding a job full time was that I would be saving money to come back here, and as my husband was in and out of work at the time £10K a year wasn't going to pay for rent, bills, support both of us at time and facilitate saving to come back. So I had a choice to make, and that was take a higher paid job for a reduced length of time and save quicker, or a lower paid job, which although I would enjoy, wouldn't pay enough and it would take me longer to return to university. Them life got in the way. We got a mortgage, we moved house and we got married, but even though I got sidetracked I never lost sight of the end result, which was to save the £5K needed to return to nursing. I'm here now and I'm proud of that"

At the time just couldn't stop yapping. And now I've convinced myself that that I have fucked the entire thing up. I'm an idiot. A complete fucking idiot.

It's Blue. That is all.

"We won't need gloss. The skirting's white"

No. We've dicovered its not white. Its the bastard lovechild of cream and magnolia.

So painted the skirting. Which means I've had to paint the door frame. Which means Im covered in gloss.

I've drawn the line at the door.

Lifted the lino to lay the new tiles. Only to discover a HeeeeYUUUUGE damp patch from where the waters ran behind the lino and soaked the floor. So now we have to wait for that to dry before we can lay the lovely black tiles.

Paul makes rubbish coffee.

I think the walls are still blue. I'm trying not to think about it. **sobs**

Fuckin Blue.

I wanted grey walls. Black granite/slate floor. white and black accessories.

The tin looked grey. The swatch looked grey. Check the swatch and the tin match?
Check the dulux room builder online? Still looks grey. Patch test - Looks grey.

Grey or gray?

Then WHY THE FUCK ARE MY WALLS FUCKING BLUE?!?!

Bastard. I'm waiting til it dries, and if its still blue. I AM going to cry,

Great. Fucking Great.

Do you know what. Just don't bother.

On a side note today I bought the smallest denim baby shorts I've ever seen. Eeeeeeee! Oh and a green halterneck summer dress for a Morgan.

My exams in 2 hours

Oh God.
Oh fuck.

I wish....

1. I could dance
2. I could touch my toes
3. I knew how life was going to turn out 5 years down the line
4. I knew if I am missed
5. I knew if I was noticed
6. I could fly
7. I believed in God
8. I was smarter
9. I had collarbones (visible)
10. I had more hair

One year down.

I did have a post here about it being our anniversary. One year down, less time for murder etc

But my husband objected to its content (oh sorry the tone) so I've removed it.

I'll post more later when he isn't looking.

Happy Anniversary Zaz.

I got an interview

Wed 27th June.

It is ON!

This is personality type 8

your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka "The Challenger").

"I must be strong"

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

• Stand up for yourself... and me.
• Be confident, strong, and direct.
• Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.
• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
• Give me space to be alone.
• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.
• I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.
• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a EIGHT

• being independent and self-reliant
• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
• being courageous, straightforward, and honest
• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
• upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a EIGHT

• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to
• being restless and impatient with others' incompetence
• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
• never forgetting injuries or injustices
• putting too much pressure on myself
• getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

EIGHTs as Children Often

• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
• are sometimes loners
• seize control so they won't be controlled
• figure out others' weaknesses
• attack verbally or physically when provoked
• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

EIGHTs as Parents

• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
• are sometimes overprotective
• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Self Searching a go-go

Scarily accurate personality test.

I am a 8
Paul is a 5

which would explain why we drive each other mental when we fight. We are apparently quite mis-matched it would seem. Oh and while we're at it (no pun intended) try this one too, I found it was quite accurate to a large degree with matter of the lovin'

Sex me!

How the hell can I still be tired?

I'm still knackered. Seriously. Thats like a month of being fucked. Or not as I'm too tired.

Chucked up twice at work today. Came home and feel into bed, after a few hours got up and made Paul his dinner, vegged on couch with a blanket and coffee. Have lost 4lbs since Tuesday. Not worried though as will resolve itself like last time.

My flexi is circling the drain as I'm just either fed up with work or too tired to stay.

Got news re the future of my office today. Its not great, more on that another time though. Still not heard anything back re the nursing and I'm starting to get despondent. St Johns Worth not making a noticeable difference, but I'm feeling less "FUCK YOU!!!" than I was, so its maybe a build up thing.

Question. Say you really like Ice cream, but your husband doesn't so much. So one of your friends is going out for Ice cream. They tell you they are going for ice cream. Would you like to have been invited for ice cream? Just saying like.

This month has went past so slowly

Time drags on monthwise, daywise not enough time in the day.

Got my appraisal result today- Igot a Top marking which means a bonus of £495 based on last years pay scale/grading. As they have yet to decided whats going on this year, 'cause you know we dont need wages in rise with inflation, I'll wait and see whats happening and what I'll actually get.

I want to run away. I'm just so scunnered with everything at the moment. Roll on Monday when at least I've got a day off work. An extra day I mean. Hating work at the moment. Its a struggle to be social at the moment because I'm either having trouble articulating/interacting or I'm having impulse control issues. Screaming inwardly "SHUT THE FUCK UP! JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?!?" and having to reform that into "Fine, a bit fed up though, and you?" is a struggle at the moment.

Other impulse control issues are resisting taking the opportunity to takea toilet break thereby freeing up some spare time for self-harm, because you know I'm a multi-tasker, and trying so hard to not put onmy jacket and just walk out going AWOL. And once out getting on the first bus/train I see thats going anywhere but here.

This post was brought to you today by self-pity with our sponsor "I'm a moany bastard who's going to die alone eaten by her 58 cats"

bollocks. Hopefully next post will be somewhat cheerier.

St John's Wort

Started this today. Paul says he's been noticing I've been a wee bit erratic the past wee while, but wether he has or not who knows.

All I know is that I feel low, alone, want to go to bed with the duvet and hide, and avoid work. Cant seem to get motivated at work at the moment either. I'm okay, just not as "up" asI could be.

So onto the St Johns Wort as I cant be bothered with going to the doctors and explaining the full shenanigan, I'll give this a go and see how I get on. Its worth a try.

So thats the 2nd thing then....

To go wrong this week, and these things always come in threes apparently

Just had a frantic phone call from my mum, who is very distressed.Reason for distress is that the big dog attacked the wee dog so badly its eyes came out.

One rushed trip to the vet later, dogs eyes popped back in, bruised, staples and stitches and mums trying to work out what to do with the big dog.Very upset and theres not really much I can do to calm her down.

Pauls getting nosebleeds all the time just now, and the snorings driving me mental. I f he's not snoring he's pushing me out the bed/stealing duvet/stealing my pillow.

Gah.

Credit cards - evil evil objects

Credit cards are shite. Credit cards are how you discover your husband has been lying to you for a year.

"Right those are cleared Paul. Dont spend on them. You spend on them I will kill you. No seriously"
"Aye okay"

fast forward a year. Constant reassurances that its "not much more than a grand"

Constant reassurances are shit because it is more than a grand. Much more.

I hate being lied to. Seriously. So cue one big raging fight. Today I feel shit. Drained, knackered and most of all really low. I dont like fighting with him.

Mostly me ranting and screaming like a fucking harpy, and realisng all the while that I sound horrid, I hate myself when Im like that. Does he retaliate? argue back? No. "Im sorry I've let you down". Which leaves me feeling worse about the way Im shouting at him, which leaves me transferring my anger into shouting at him more.

So still raging, at myself and him. Raging because all the auld merrit women in work have been giving it "You let him spend how much each month on his own?!? Oh thats daft"
me giving it "No. No credit card spending, bar a small balance and he has £400 a month to spend on whatever he likes"
"It'll end in tears you know. You need to take his wages off him and give him pocket money like we *collective motion* do"
"He's not a child he's a grown man"
"Men need to be treated like children. This'll end in tears hen"

And end in tears it has.

This week mostly....

eating takeaway, working like a bastard (as my mother would say) and adventuring in the kingdom of loathing

I'm fucking shattered.

Honest.

Fuck you and Fuck your child....

Rush hour
Friday - the week ends
Tube is packed.

So why the fuck would you let your four year old child try to high jump, kick and leapfrog a turnstile when theres masses of people trying to get out before the crush at the back of them becomes too much?

Why would you then get annoyed at someone who after standing behind your child, rolling thier eyes, AFTER waiting patiently, and going to the next turnstile? So annoyed you follow them out the tube station to shout "For Gods sake, she's only four!!"

"And, I dont need to get home after work?"
"Well what do you think Im trying to do?" (motioning towards child)
"Other than keeping a poor hold of your child, not much. But this may be why I dont have kids and you do"
"Im trying to teach her to do things" (At rush hour on the fucking tube)
"Let me ask you something. Did I push her? Did I nudge her towards the turnstile? Did I in any way give her any awareness that I was in a rush? Did I even say anything? No, I rolled my eyes and walked away. You on the other hand have spent more time dragging her about to shout at me, making her stand there looking akward and confused bringing the whole sorry matter to her attention more than I did by walking away"

Silence.
"Aye exactly. Get a grip of yourself, Im away home I dont have time for this"

Can I just make it clear I dont blame the child for this? Her mums standing watching her arse about at the turnstile with the sort of blank look only someone who doesnt have a fucking clue whats going on can.

If she's annoyed at me just because she's been made to feel bad about her lack of parental control, I really dont see what shouting at me is going to do.

Fucking retard.

Body Massage

Today I had a theraputic massage.

T'was good. T'was even better knowing that Im off on strike. Day off work and massage. Bonus.

Turns out that the problem is not, as I suspected my neck and shoulders/trapezius thats causing me pain. Its my lower back, the big long muscle that runs up my spine, which is trapping my shoulders and causing stiffness in my shoulder and neck muscles.

So some deep tissue massage later, and I feel all loose and floppy. I have been assured that it may hurt tomorrow as she had to work damn hard down the length of my spine. My shoulder freed up easily once the spine was relaxed out.

Lovely.

Got free KFC Wrapsters as they were conducting market research, and a free voucher for a meal at KFC.

Met with two friends today and got the side of a childs cardigan finished too.

All in all, a not bad day.

Into the 13's

13st 13lbs this morning.

I've not been in the 13's since living with Pauls mum.

It feels good.

Yes it does.

Target for next week is 13st 11lbs, as will start to slow down or even stall in week 3/4 as I've done in the past, but it will shift, I just need to stick in there.

Oh by God - How much longer

Feel like Im falling apart this week. Knackered, pulling a bastard long shift tomorrow, and other health bits and pieces floating about which are not the reading on this page.

Chinese are arsing me about. I swear I hear that bell one more time Im gonna snap, loooks like they're wanting me to work til end of April after all. FUCK BOLLOCK

I *did* lose 7lbs this week.

Thats right S-E-V-E-N

Whooooooo! 14st 2lbs.
Aiming for 13st 13 for next week.

oh for some rest

Dont seem to have any time

Latest OU essay back - Fuckin A!! woo

so one more essay due in May, exams in June. Need to get at least 40% to pass.

Chinese are pissing me off, so in a bout of temper I jacked it in. Which is good, no more trying to organise my weekends around work, and no more trying to make sure Im not upsetting other peoples weekends. I have a week or two to go until they find a replacement.

Diet starts tomorrow. Weight gained a wee bit, It is NOT getting out of hand again, I am NOT having another depserate fat summer.

Pauls in Belfast tonight. Miss the stupid big bastard already.

Moist

So went to see 300.

Big rippling muscle bound men, killing people.

Wearing nothing but pants and a cape.

Going to go see it again. Brill

Busy Buzzy Bee!!!

Where to start this week?

Fucking hectic. Not had time to do much at all this week, which is why I spent today before chinese tidying the house. Not bad considering I only had 4 hours to do it in.

Got sent home early last night, due to a constant low nausea all day, and a horrid metallic taste it my mouth (honestly tated like I was sucking tin foil). Add to that general tiredness. I ate some pasta at lunchtime and drank water the rest of the day. Just wasnt hungry. Just thirsty. The result of which meant i was weeing all day. And night. Wait a minute... nausea, metallic taste, frequent peeing, tender boobs, low energy.. pregnancy symptoms?

So got sent home at 10. Bricking it, did a pregnancy test, negative, stopped bricking it, fell asleep for 2 hours until Paul got in. Chatted for a whole 15- 20 minutes andwent to bed. Slept for a good 10 - 11 hours straight. Feel loads better. Think I've just been overly tired from work, plus more work and studying. Or I could be diabetic (Mum's diabetic as she will delight in telling everyone, and also try to pin any sort of ill-health or event on my as yet undiagnosed but underlying diabetes " Ah wisnae diagnosed till I was in my 40's. They missed it with me for years. Years!!"). Or I could just be tired and a hypochondriac. Who knows?

Ive lost 3lbs this week without trying, not really that hungry when munching, today I made homemade rolls, and I had a roll and potato scone and a cup of coffee. Thats all I had all day until home from the chinese when I had some singapore fried rice. Long may it last. Its nice not to have constant gnawing hunger and thoughts about feeding.

Watched some Metalocalypse. And soon its away to bed. Have a OU essay due on Wednesday, then I have to start studying all 7 block for the exam in June in addition to another two TMA's. This had better be worth it.

Oh aye, and uni phoned. Looks like I should (all going well) have an interview in May.

Not suitable for those with an IUD you say?

Its here, its good. So good that after the experimental shot we noticed a small black ball on the flat part of the insert.

Upon closer inspection we realise its my ball from my clit piercing, quick check informs us that its actually so strong it had vibrated out my piercing. Other two still intact thankfully,

And that was it on half speed.

I have a feeling Im going to be spending a lot of time at home....

One day to go! (maybe)

cleared customs (i think checking for sure tomorrow)

Then it is here - you are of course cordially invited to come see

Im so excited.

Fuck yer gym memberships, thats my exercise for the year sorted! It is marked as a deluxe exercise machine to get through customs,,,

Happy fuckin days

On a scale of 1 - 10

I think my latest order from t'interweb scores a 10.

Its a surprise so I cant post here in case Paul reads. . .

But its good. Oh yes....

Sigh

You just know its a bad sign when you try to kiss your husband, just because you know you love him and shit and you realise that you havent kissed properly for ages, and he looks at you funny and you realise that he's just taking it. Not responding, oh no he's just taking it.

Fuck this Im away to bed.

Should have accepted that fucking phone number. I dont mean that really... he just gets me so frustrated.

Diet Trials day 1

Slimfast. Oh Joy.

Im hoping this will break my eating problem spiralling out of control.

And it is, Im actually jealous of anorexics. Thats a bit sick. I know when you are anorexic and your body starts breaking down muscle to survive, it doesnt differentiate between the different types of muscle, and starts to attack your heart. But at the back of my head theres that wee naggig voice saying "But your heart would be fine, you'd be able to stop in time, and your not anorexic because you're not thin, you're just dieting...."

And then I realise just how many problems Im creating for myself and get a grip.

Scary though, and its scary to realise just how easy it would be to slip into that midset.

Its all over over over

I think its all falling apart course wise and long term plan wise.

I'll know in two weeks if Im in or out. If in then whoo. If out (and my gut feeling is im out) then its back to the drawing board and I have no fucking idea what Im going to do,

None at all.

Its like my entire reason for trying anything has gone, I actually feel quite depressed. Fuckity

Oh James... Tell me more

Oh and I would seriously pump James Spader.

The man has a voice that just.... Oh I would. Hard.

Sometimes I like to watch his stuff with my eyes shut. Oh yes.

Tourettes

SHENANIGANS!!!! FUCK BAWS BASTARD SHITE!!! WANKRAG.

On a seperate note I got my teams stats/target for the week today. On my own. Yes, I rock.

Cue accusations of cheating and cutting corners tomorrow at work.

Im going to bed soon as potentially have a big day tomorrow work wise, Christ Im so fucking old.

Oh and Pauls in Belfast. Pffffff

Jester... or Smokey Robinson?

What to do? Try to juggle too much and you risk dropping all the balls.

Still drunk when I arrived at work this morning. Horrible. Reminds me of why I dont drink that often.

After chundering everywhere at work. Twice. Sobered up, did my day left at 3.

I bought Cashew Nut Butter, gonna go have a big cup of sweet tea goodness, and think about dinner.

Oh and sent the CATCH form away with an amended reference to explain the no DWP reference in the reference situation, so hopefully this will be okay. Fingers crossed

I'll give you red tape....

CATCH form was returned today because my reference is not suitable

Needs to be not form a friend or relative. So I get my line manager to write it, problem is line managers in the DWP arent allowed to write work references, so she signed it colleague.

CATCH now says its not suitable, it needs to be work based not friend, but I cant get that with the criteria they have required....

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

I cant do anything about it til Monday, so Ill call them and try to explain the situtation then.

I bought 2 new bras today. I am chebtastic. Hoisted and holstered with more underwiring and support than the Forth Road Bridge. Post your cleavage post here I come..... Not....

Shattered

Im so tired. Im actually weary, approaching exhaustion, I think this is burn out time approaching.

Sent CATCH form away to universities on Monday, hopefully they will read, and invite me for interview, that way I wont feel the two jobs, plus studying has been in vain.

I know its not been in vain per se, but I need to know its towards something. I so afraid of failing that its tempting to never try.

I feel I have a finite amount of time. I know we all have a finite amount of time, but I have this pressing need to DO something, to make a difference, to sacrifice, to push and to acheive.

Hopefully I will be interviewed, found acceptable and then start the next three years come September. Im so nervous but at the same time quietly hopeful, not quite confident Im just trying to have a bit of faith in me. I've worked so hard now and I need this.

Have you ever wanted something so much you can taste it? I honestly dont know what I'll do if I dont get it. I just dont know.

On a less needy and quite frankly psychotic note. Happy Birthday Paul - 27 today. Yer getting auld man, gettin' auld. ;0)

Tell me.....

Do you sing of revolution or are you content?

Do you ever wonder where the time went? Do you ever wonder how much you have left?

"Lost in the maya
Overboard in the sea
There was void and then that water broke
Then something called "me"
Now a trip to the desert to look at the sky
It's like never-ending mirrors
Playin' tricks on my eyes"

WHY wont it go away?

Fuck sake. Been to the gym twice this week, worked hard, swam, sauna, dieted, pampered and took the stairs at work. Weighed pointed, and noted everything.

Result? 1.5lbs off.

Fuckin' shite. 1lb off having lost a stone, and it wont fucking shift. 2.5 months and not even a stone down.

Its so frustrating, all this effort with very little pay off. Im so close to throwing it all in.

Woman at the meeting this morning was like "Oh I lost 3lbs this week, And Ive eaten out twice, not exercised and went over points by at least 3 every day"

I burst my arse and lose 1.5lbs. This is proof life is shit.

STOP ASKING ME FOR MONEY!!!

Mum "can I have £300 please?" that was on Monday night
P mum "Can I have £450 please?" that was on Sunday night

in the space of two days I have a defecit of £750. And I have nothing to show for it except gratitude, gratitude sucks because it cant buy stuff at the shops.

Fucking money. I hate spending money. Thats a lie I hate spending my money.

Baws

Weigh in this morning. 2.5lbs off, and 11.5lbs off in total

14st 4lbs. :0)

need to keep going. Im so fed up though. Contacted Lighter Life and for the princely sum of £66 a week, I can pay to be put into dietary ketosis of 500 calories a day. This includes Cognitive Behavior Therapy Counselling.

They tell me I can lose a stone a month.

A stone a month.

Or I could keep ploughing in at the weightwatchers and keep trying to hit my own target of 7 pounds a month.

Im going to be really rigis with WW this month and see how it goes. I can do it, I want to do it, I just dont know why I keep sabotaging myself.

ao aye and Thursday (S) - over a month. 'sake

I dont know whats wrong with me.

Girl at work has just returned from maternity leave. Thinks she might be pregnant again. Still not takign care of herself, and still smoking like a lum even though she thinks she might be pregnant again.

Im jealous and upset and angry and... Ach I dunno. Its petty but I wish she would have to try harder, I wish that things didnt happen quite so effortlessly. Im probably not making any sense at all. And I probably sound so bitter and petty.

Time ticks away and with every year that passes I decrease my chances through no fault of my own. Its my faulty engineering. Time passes and I tie myself in knots with tangental thinking, frustration and anger. Anger at myself and just everything in general.

So what do I do? Try to have a baby just to know that I can even though Im not ready? Or do I wait until I am ready and hope its not too late? Decisions decisions.

I cant keep doing this every time someone I know gets pregnant who has qualities that I feel dont fit the perfect mould of what a mother should be. Hell half the time I dont even know what that mould looks like.

Every day I look in the mirror and think, "You're doing this to yourself. You ruin everything because you either cut yourself off or too fucking greedy to stop eating". Im seriously debating this lighter life shenanigan. Maybe no food at all is the answer, break the cycle, start again. Maybe once Im thin evrything will be okay. Ive lost 9 pounds. Its not enough. I cant ever envison a time where I will be happy with myself. I wish I could change my shell.

I wish I could turn back time and start all over again but with the knowledge of whats to come.

weight this morning at meeting. 14st 5lbs, so a loss of 11lbs since December when I started, accouting for what I gained and relost over Christmas. Im pleased.

Worried about Paul at the moment, but theres nothing I can do. I hate feeling helpless.

New mattress still working out well,
no side effects of tablets
and off on Holiday this time next week.

Yas!

My husbands in Love.

With a mattress.

Yup new mattress arrived on Saturday Morning at 9, Paul had the old bed stripped, new mattress on and back in bed for 9:15. Seriously. Im convnced that I caught him spooning it at one point. Hugging and smiling. Its enough to make a girl worry.

Day 2 of Xenical, day 3 of the pill. No orange leakage, no cramps, not much of anything really. Wee bit of nausea yesterday, but that could be to do with the migraine. I also have a headache today. Im attributing this to the pill, which was the reason I had to come off the pill. Doctor says I can try this one, as its a low rish pill compared to the celeste and dianette. But if this gives me migraines like the last 2 Im having to come off completely and explore other avenues of contraception.

Condoms are tricky in that Pauls tries to sneak in and THEN decide he might want to wear one. Which quite simply is not on. But any how.

Weight this morning - 14st 7 bang on teh button. Long may it continue.

So....

Day 1 of Xenical and the pill

Im unsure about the whole thing tbh. Doc wanst to see me again in 6 weeks. So in 6 weeks I would like to lose 12lbs. Im aiming for 8 though which would take me to the 14stone mark

fingers, and sphincter crossed.