Right thats the boys at my mums

Really upsetting to come home and expect them to be behind the door, and then they're not. Distressed.

Went for a long bath and a face pack to unwind a bit, but still miss them terribly. I know they are just at my mums and shes not too far away, but still, its hard.

Felt really sick today, shaking and cold and headachey, then realised that I hadn't eaten anything for about 24 hours. So 2 bits of toast and some peanut butter, and a wee half hours kip later I felt myuch better,

Work tomorrow and I have to work like a bastard this week to try and pull back some flexi, Im also working Thurs, Fri, Sat in the chinese again, which is a pisser, But IM PROMISED next Saturday off. We'll see. They owe me since I was supposed to finish at 12 last night but didnt finish till 1:10. Hah

So yeah a 74 hour week beckons again.

why does summer make me so fucking depressed?

I want to take the (legal)drugs I have, get some cider and some cigs and just go sit in the park and escape from everything I have here.

Sometimes I think I made a mistake in getting married. I ache for closeness and touching, and Im not getting it, I feel cheap having to beg for my husband to touch me, not even in a sexual way just a closeness. We never touch. We dont kiss. I feel as if Im simply existing and not really living.

Everything I have crumbles and fades away. My cats have to go back to my mums because they arent settling down. Im going to miss them so much but theres nothing I can do. Im unhappy they are here because they are so evidently miserable, and I'll be unhappy when they are gone because they are my babies, my transferrance. Im turning in on myself because I have no0one to turn to.

I dont want antidpressants again. I just want to be happy. All the AD's do is give some breathing space.

I constantly question everything I do, I cant sleep again, I keep waking up and rehashing the days events to see if I could have done anything better, anything more, edit conversations in my head to make sure what I say next time will be what I mean to say and not what it sounds like.

I want to hurt myself. Really hurt myself just to try and lift this tightness I feel inside me. But invariably someone will see the marks and that'll lead to more questions, more backing away and more isolation and I just cant deal with that just now.

Ever get that sinking feeling?


Anyway. Acting up at the moment, as my line manager is away and I have her job for two weeks. In the two days that I have held this exalted position, one girl has phoned in sick for 2 days because shes tired. Aye. Tired.

The fact that she's phoning in at stupid o'clock in the morning before I'm in, makes me think shes at it. She knows the drill and knows that she's supposed to talk to me.

Meh, but hey its not really my problem. I'll leave that to my line manager when she comes back.

Avast!

Back in Ibrox now, and much much happier.

Whats been happening the past wee while. Well I'm MARRIED! it still feels a bit strange but the same, which I realise makes no sense whatsoever. We have the cats back, bane of my life but I love 'em. Think Im transferring broodiness to the cats, which means I'm going to end up one of these carzy as shit old women who talks to "thier iddle puddykins. yeeeeeees" etc.

Off anti depressants (whoooooo!) and feeling quite good about myself bar the humungous weight gain.

The humungous weight gain went on at Pauls mums. weighing in at the 15st various pounds mark, which the doctor assures me is heading towards obesity, so she's referring me to the dietician (fuckin whoopdedoo) and then putting me on Xenical which Im not really looking forward to. I would prefer an appetitie suppressant to be perfectly honest. Im like fat bastard in Austin Powers - "Ah eat because Ah'm unhappy and ah'm unhappy because ah eat". The obvious answers would be a) stop eating and b) get happy eh? But yeah we'll see how it goes

Time for the annual bigotry fest that is the Orange March today. Scum. Had to ask several of the revellers - "Ah we're just here for the craic! FUCK THE POPE" to leave the chinese last night due to being complete cunts. A chinese takeaway at 12:15 is not an appropriate place for bigoted and sectarian chanting. CUNTS.

hope to be doing something constructive today but seems unlikely due to the fucking walk which means fights and hassle from drunken dickheads last night, bent on avenging some sort of grudge that they hold against the world, and the the traffic being tailed back to the ends of all roads everywhere, meaning you are better getting off and walking to avoid the stupid arse drums.

Which reminds me, I'm away back to bed before the fucking flutes and thumping starts and ruins lie in time. Twats.