Bloggin here for privacy

I need a vent. Other blog is read by people who know husband and include husband.

We've started marriage counselling. This in itself is a challenge. Its like admitting my marriage and my ability to communicate with my husband is fucked. Its admitting officially that he finds me physically unattractive and I've become a nag. Its admitting it outside of a girly chat over coffee or crying over wine.

The counselling was cancelled tonight because he's away on business. I phone him at 8pm. He's in the pub.

He'll phone back later.

Its now 2 am and he's still not phoned.

I tried to stay up to give him the benefit of the doubt. To show willing. To show that I'm trying.

All thats happened is I now think he's sleeping with someone else. Someone who isn't so "fat they repulse him". Someone who "tries harder" "makes more effort" "makes less effort" and "tries less". Someone who understands the fucking obstacle course designed on eggshells that is my marriage.

Or his phone's died. But hotels have phones. Theres phone boxes. Theres something.

My counselling homework of "reasons why you should stay married" is looking decidedly less wholesome. I'm trying not to write my list when I'm angry, but it seems I'm angry all the time.

I'm at the stage where I just want to walk away from it all.

I don't know what to do anymore.