I'm not ready for this sort of thing

Well, after much soul searching, I told Paul tonight that after my placements are finished I'll be moving out, perhaprs temporarily. I can't go on like this. We can't go on like this.

I love him but I'm tearing him apart because I'm so unhappy. We are making each other unhappy. He's tearing me apart because I feel I need more than he can offer me, or give me at the moment.

We never have sex. I know I keep going on about it, but it is very important to me. It would appear that its symptomatic of other issues in our relationship. We were in bed the other night, (engaging as it were) and I realised that he was watching TV, instead of focussing on me. I honestly must bore him. I don't just mean sex, I mean just me. I bore my husband. He is tired of me. Thats what I mean when I say its symptomatic of other issues.

I'm tired of the fighting, and when we are not fighting we are doing nothing. I'm not sure which is worse, the co-existing or the aggression on my part, or the sheer apathy on his.

I find myself wanting to hurt him, just to get some sort of reaction. I want to hurt him physically just to get something,but I feel that if I start, I won't stop. Until its too late and the only reaction that I get is one of he's going and not coming back. Which is contradictory to what I've told him tonight.

Its one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I can't do this anymore. I'm 26 and the man I love has left me feeling, weary, worthless, ugly and old. Old.

I hope that it can be fixed, I feel deep down there is something left, but I don't really know if there is or not. I don't know if he really does want to fix this or if I've become routine, a task to be ticked off at the end of the day. An emotional crutch for him. If he wants me he has to fight over the next 10 weeks, or I honestly am leaving, because I cant spend the rest of our lives together hoping for a fix that will never come. I would like to think I am worth more than that.

I'm disappointed by his reaction, or lack of it, tonight. Disappointed but not surprised.

I feel like I'm falling backwards, and theres no-one there to catch me. I feel like I'm so alone. Mostly though, I feel heartbroken beyond repair. I'm terrifed that even if he makes the effort to fix whats broken, I'm not sure if I have it in me anymore.

I'm not ready for this. Dear God I'm not ready, but its time.