This month has went past so slowly

Time drags on monthwise, daywise not enough time in the day.

Got my appraisal result today- Igot a Top marking which means a bonus of £495 based on last years pay scale/grading. As they have yet to decided whats going on this year, 'cause you know we dont need wages in rise with inflation, I'll wait and see whats happening and what I'll actually get.

I want to run away. I'm just so scunnered with everything at the moment. Roll on Monday when at least I've got a day off work. An extra day I mean. Hating work at the moment. Its a struggle to be social at the moment because I'm either having trouble articulating/interacting or I'm having impulse control issues. Screaming inwardly "SHUT THE FUCK UP! JUST FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW?!?" and having to reform that into "Fine, a bit fed up though, and you?" is a struggle at the moment.

Other impulse control issues are resisting taking the opportunity to takea toilet break thereby freeing up some spare time for self-harm, because you know I'm a multi-tasker, and trying so hard to not put onmy jacket and just walk out going AWOL. And once out getting on the first bus/train I see thats going anywhere but here.

This post was brought to you today by self-pity with our sponsor "I'm a moany bastard who's going to die alone eaten by her 58 cats"

bollocks. Hopefully next post will be somewhat cheerier.

St John's Wort

Started this today. Paul says he's been noticing I've been a wee bit erratic the past wee while, but wether he has or not who knows.

All I know is that I feel low, alone, want to go to bed with the duvet and hide, and avoid work. Cant seem to get motivated at work at the moment either. I'm okay, just not as "up" asI could be.

So onto the St Johns Wort as I cant be bothered with going to the doctors and explaining the full shenanigan, I'll give this a go and see how I get on. Its worth a try.

So thats the 2nd thing then....

To go wrong this week, and these things always come in threes apparently

Just had a frantic phone call from my mum, who is very distressed.Reason for distress is that the big dog attacked the wee dog so badly its eyes came out.

One rushed trip to the vet later, dogs eyes popped back in, bruised, staples and stitches and mums trying to work out what to do with the big dog.Very upset and theres not really much I can do to calm her down.

Pauls getting nosebleeds all the time just now, and the snorings driving me mental. I f he's not snoring he's pushing me out the bed/stealing duvet/stealing my pillow.

Gah.

Credit cards - evil evil objects

Credit cards are shite. Credit cards are how you discover your husband has been lying to you for a year.

"Right those are cleared Paul. Dont spend on them. You spend on them I will kill you. No seriously"
"Aye okay"

fast forward a year. Constant reassurances that its "not much more than a grand"

Constant reassurances are shit because it is more than a grand. Much more.

I hate being lied to. Seriously. So cue one big raging fight. Today I feel shit. Drained, knackered and most of all really low. I dont like fighting with him.

Mostly me ranting and screaming like a fucking harpy, and realisng all the while that I sound horrid, I hate myself when Im like that. Does he retaliate? argue back? No. "Im sorry I've let you down". Which leaves me feeling worse about the way Im shouting at him, which leaves me transferring my anger into shouting at him more.

So still raging, at myself and him. Raging because all the auld merrit women in work have been giving it "You let him spend how much each month on his own?!? Oh thats daft"
me giving it "No. No credit card spending, bar a small balance and he has £400 a month to spend on whatever he likes"
"It'll end in tears you know. You need to take his wages off him and give him pocket money like we *collective motion* do"
"He's not a child he's a grown man"
"Men need to be treated like children. This'll end in tears hen"

And end in tears it has.

This week mostly....

eating takeaway, working like a bastard (as my mother would say) and adventuring in the kingdom of loathing

I'm fucking shattered.

Honest.

Fuck you and Fuck your child....

Rush hour
Friday - the week ends
Tube is packed.

So why the fuck would you let your four year old child try to high jump, kick and leapfrog a turnstile when theres masses of people trying to get out before the crush at the back of them becomes too much?

Why would you then get annoyed at someone who after standing behind your child, rolling thier eyes, AFTER waiting patiently, and going to the next turnstile? So annoyed you follow them out the tube station to shout "For Gods sake, she's only four!!"

"And, I dont need to get home after work?"
"Well what do you think Im trying to do?" (motioning towards child)
"Other than keeping a poor hold of your child, not much. But this may be why I dont have kids and you do"
"Im trying to teach her to do things" (At rush hour on the fucking tube)
"Let me ask you something. Did I push her? Did I nudge her towards the turnstile? Did I in any way give her any awareness that I was in a rush? Did I even say anything? No, I rolled my eyes and walked away. You on the other hand have spent more time dragging her about to shout at me, making her stand there looking akward and confused bringing the whole sorry matter to her attention more than I did by walking away"

Silence.
"Aye exactly. Get a grip of yourself, Im away home I dont have time for this"

Can I just make it clear I dont blame the child for this? Her mums standing watching her arse about at the turnstile with the sort of blank look only someone who doesnt have a fucking clue whats going on can.

If she's annoyed at me just because she's been made to feel bad about her lack of parental control, I really dont see what shouting at me is going to do.

Fucking retard.

Body Massage

Today I had a theraputic massage.

T'was good. T'was even better knowing that Im off on strike. Day off work and massage. Bonus.

Turns out that the problem is not, as I suspected my neck and shoulders/trapezius thats causing me pain. Its my lower back, the big long muscle that runs up my spine, which is trapping my shoulders and causing stiffness in my shoulder and neck muscles.

So some deep tissue massage later, and I feel all loose and floppy. I have been assured that it may hurt tomorrow as she had to work damn hard down the length of my spine. My shoulder freed up easily once the spine was relaxed out.

Lovely.

Got free KFC Wrapsters as they were conducting market research, and a free voucher for a meal at KFC.

Met with two friends today and got the side of a childs cardigan finished too.

All in all, a not bad day.