so aye Boxin Day (S)

and thats all I really have to say about that....

Its half four and I be away to bed now.

I was aiming for an early night and gym tomorrow, but that shafted, although tomoroow is a long day.

Christmas day. (S)

Had dinner, played pooter, had dirties and went to bed.

Dirties were brought to you this evening by our friend the coke fairy, who granted us a line each. But thats okay 'cause its Chrismas innit? I've never really understood the appeal with coke tbh, to short a buzz and it burns far too much to be pleasant.

Im going to annotate my blog entries with a (S) in the corner when Ive had the horizontals, so that I can actually keep track and see if I am over-reacting or indeed, if my sex life is as empty as I think it is.

Too much Information? Perhaps, just shut your eyes then.... ;0)

aye and merry fucking Xmas to you too.

So after a 2 hours crying argument I now look like Rocky

I actually cried that much that I couldnt breathe and developed that stupid whine you get when you've cried for ages. You know the one?

My heads sore and Im tired. Why is crying so tiring?

Oh aye and last period was in October. So Im starting a book on when the next one will be.

I suck. Seriously.

On the upside my spiced is lovely, just basted it with some more honey. If nothing else at least I'll get my festive meat tomorrow.

Im sick and fucking tured of never being able to have anything nice?

Case in point: Pauls just spily chinese all over the fucking carpet. Thinking its funy and deciding to play the "lets try and keep Marri out of the room game" whilct it slowly.. stains... the .... carpet...

So aye Christmas Eve, having christmas dinner tomorrow, in a house full of stained carpets because he wont take his shoes off at the door, wont eat at a table- preferring instead to eat off the floor, and i do mean that literally as half the time the hand-mouth cordination goes and it ends up on the fucking floor anyway - and thinks it funny.

Its easy come easy fucking go with him, I work damn fucking hard to try and have nice things for us, TO TRY and make sure those things are kept nice. The living room carpets ruined with a semi circle of food debris thats Pauls, the bedrooms carpets stained with black eyeshadow that the cats spilt, and the hall carpet? Well fuck knows whats going on with that. Its manky..

I told him he needs to hire a carpet shampooer to clean the carpets now.

This is it the offial throwing down of the gaunlet. Lets see how long it takes him to get his finger out, hire the fucking shampoo-er and get the job done. If its anything like asking him for sex, then hey, I'd be as well getting the job done myself. Also like my sex life.

And people wonder why I work constantly? At least when Im busy im not constantly confronted with how fuckign shit my life is.

Lets have a recap shall we folks?

Sex life - non-existant, he's either tired, sore head or "not well".
Social Life - barely existant, its JUST holding its own
Work - I hate both my fucking jobs
Love life - this is seperate from sex life, this is the part where you have to really weigh up if you love your partner, and do they love you? Well, this is teetering on the edge. I feel like im bashing my head off a brick wall
Health - exhausted, cant sleep, over weight - but too fuckign depressed to care really - pains in thighs leave me hanging onto worktop, no period since last one a few months back
studying - got an A on the last OU essay I did, so at least thats going okay

Prospects - see my life stretching before me in a sexless marriage where I become increasing more depsperate for affection or shows of caring that arent instigated by me, Im going to become a slutty housewife.

Im so bitter and angry just now, all I want to do is cry at the fucking futility of it all. Im not worth the effort anymore apparently. But If I cry Ill get the "whats wrong?" hangdog puppy eye concern and in an effort to stop myself exploding with rage TRYING YET AGAIN to explain why the things he does piss me off, Ill slow my speech down, then THAT'll piss him off because Im being condescending. And I cant deal with that shit now.

Im damned if I do, damned if I dont. I cant fucking win.

Its all crumbling down before me, and do you know what? Rather tha oh fuck this

Fuxsake Im tired.

All I seem to be doing just now is working. Cant wait until Saturday 23rd of December. Then I dont have to work any job until Thursday. Bliss. I then dont have to be in normal work until the 3rd of January. Fan-fuckin-tastic

Had my first driving lesson today. Apparently I did well. My steering is good, I only stalled once, and he says I should progress smoothly as I seem to have picked up well for first lesson.

Chuffed as fuck :0)

weight on Saturday. 14st 11. Loss of 5lbs this week.

Some people may think that Im crazy for starting a diet 4 weeks before Christmas, but Im better starting now, that way after Christmas, I wont be as heavy.

So one weigh in down and 35 more to go. Aiming for a weight loss of 1.5lbs a week. Which means by July I should be at my goal weight.

7 weeks till Amsterdam. Looking forward to it.

Weight yesterday 15st 2lbs - fuck sake need to stop eating like a fat bastard. But wait, I AM a fat bastard. So toddles off to the town, buys what Im buying, and then buy roat pork, fried potates and coleslaw from the German market.

weight this morning? 15st bang on the button. I dont get diets.

Anyway, trying harder today, so fingers crossed

Going to meet Roseanne before she departs for Australia. I'll miss her. baws. baws baws baws baws

Weight this week. 14st 8lbs.

Im more than pleased. Last Saturday I was 15st 3lbs

noticing a wee bit of difference in my face and waistband.

Back to gym tomorrow (Wed) and workign out again. Imn tired this weather though

Need to go to an OU tutorial on Thursday, and I have a TMA due by the 15th of November, Times a ticking away.

Turns out that my mum owes £5.5k for a loan, I called them today and said I would pay it off over a year. They refused. I explained that should they not accept this offer that she would go for sequestration and this means they would go on a list of crditors and get fuck all (although I phrased it more politely than that), they still refused. Im going to try writing directly to the bank tomorrow.

she pisses me off. She owes money to the council tax office. About £650. Does she pay the council tax? Does she pay any of the creditors banging at her door for money? No. She buys a fucking puppy for £450. Cause pedigree pups are what its all about. This annoys me more than words can express at this point in time.

Fuck sake. Busy. You dont know the meaning of the word.

I feel as if Ive not had time to sit this week.

ANYHOO.

Joined the gym at the Thistle Hotel, Paul joined with me. Have resolved to go as often as possible, went yesterday. Went today. Had a good work out, burned 550 calories according to the wee carie counter thingy on the machines.

32 minutes on cross trainer on "weight loss program"
10 minutes on Bike on "weight loss program"
10 minutes on Treadmill on "walking like a bastard programme"
and 5 minutes on the rower. Either I dont like that much or my legs were tired from the cross trainer.

and then some weights on lowest weight setting and some reps until I felt tired.

That was after a 12 hour day at work (office only today), so I didnt get home till 9. Im shattered, and thats what the rest of my week is going to look like. Im ready for bed as I type. What else. Oh aye, food. Im doing Paul McKennas I can Make you thin. Seems to be working, If only that I need to develop a more relaxed relationship woth food. Need to stop obsessing. Today I had

2 weetabix with skimmed milk and a small banana
carrot and butterbean soup and 2 pieces of bread, an apple
a banana and a apple pre gym
a slice of bread and marge, 4 sausages, an egg and 2 pieces of bacon.
and now a cup of tea and a yoghurt.

Need to go, I have more news but Pauls nagging me to go play PC games,

later

So. Went to see the gym this afternoon with Paul. They want £60 a month for us both as a joint membership. Its small, but also deserted. So Pros and Cons it seems.

Woke up at 6:20 this morning, and couldnt get back to sleep, got up after tryign to get back to sleep for 20 minutes and went to work early instead, went to work, met Paul for lunch at Elliots. Thelunch was disappointing but the company was good.

Work blows at the moment. Busy Busy Busy

Started taking Bach Flower remedies. Taking Larch and Gorse at the moment. Cant do any harm, so Im not too concerned at the moment,

Watching My Name is Earl. Its okay. Halfway through the first season.

Meh.

well. Win some and you lose some. Some absolute fucker stole my planters from outside. Cunts

waiting on dinner arriving just now.

I dunno where to go now, just free floating anxiety at the moment.

but hey, what can you do?. Ive decided I'm going to join the gym.

I can spare myself a hour a day. I deserve a hour a day

baby steps.

I miss when I used to look like this......



Im so tired.

Pauls not here.


oh yeah and 2 week long periods also blow.

How do you react to stress?

Im locking myself away again. I dont want to see anyone, I dont want to do anything except clean. Im shutting myself off again. I clean and clean. My cleaning routine went like this. Did dishes in the sink, dried, put away, wiped down worktops, cleaned cooker, oven and microwave. reorganised cupboards, cleaned around the top, washed floor on hands and knees, wiped down cupboard doors, cleaned the skirting boards, scriubbed the bath, cleaned the toilet, debated reorganising the bedroom. Realised I hadnt eaten anything all day, ate some soba noodles with boiled prawn. washed all the woodwork in the flat. went for a shower.

I spent a hour in the shower today unintentionally because I just zoned off. All I could feel was the water drumming off my back and head. Time I realised how long I'd been in there was because the music had stopped. And I was on my knees, face down in the bath. Im losing time again. Last time this happened I tried to kill myself, I was zoning out and losing time, last time I was also working 2 jobs, studying and coping with my mum. Last time I also wasnt sleeping.

I feel I cant talk to anyone about how Im feeling because they'll just think that Im doing this for sympathy or attention. I cant self-harm anymore even though the urge is there and its so strong at times, Thursday was a bad day. Instead, I paid for 2 piercings and that helped a bit. Took the edge off,

All I can do is try and keep busy, keep active. Was considering joining the gym again just up form the house, but when would I have time? I have 2 jobs, and doing OU, This week I did 72 hours. That leaves me with a Sunday, Monday Tuesday and Wednesday night. That should be enough. Im going to try and get to the gym at some point this week to see what its like.

Im not sleeping as well as I could be. I cant seem to stay asleep and I dont want to go back on antidepressants. I didnt go to bed last night until about 2, got up and ate half a muller rice about 4 in the morning, had a cuppa tea, back to bed about 5, and then up ate 8. I ant sleep. If I tell the doctor they'll put me on antidepressants again.I need something else to fix this. Exercise? therapy? Maybe I just need my mum to get better. I dont think she'll ever get better though.

Im buying her house because the £150 - 200 a month Im going to be paying in a mortgage for her may at least give me some peace of mind, I'll work myself into the ground if it'll keep her from trying to kill herself. Ill do it for her. I can never tell her though. Is that what love is? sacrifice unconditionally? and what if it doesnt make her better? I dont know what to do. Im so confused, Nothing ever seems to change. I want it all to go away. But it wont. It wont ever go away. Sometimes I wish she was dead. Then I hate myself for thinking like this, and have this huge pit of dread and guilt that I carry with me in case something DOES happen to her, so I have to try and keep busy instead so I dont have time to think. I cant have any time to think ot I'll just implode.

What about me?

Right

weight this morning - Back to 14st 4.

Changed my diet to Slimming world. Missed my veggies. We'll see how it goes, I feel as if Im becomeing a serial dieter,

Started SW on Monday. So far so good. Still on track for February 27th as goal weight

Looked into taking Zaz to the Witchery in Edinburgh for his birthday but I genuinely cannot afford £600 for two nights. Well thats a lie I cant afford it but Im too tight to part with that sort of money for 2 nights. Meh. Back to the drawing board

weight this morning was 14st 8.

Disappointed, but hey, what can I do, hopefully will resolve itself in the next few weeks.

Tuesdays weigh in was 14st 4lbs, so I appear to have stalled this week. But 10lbs off in 2 weeks is an excellent loss so Im not disappointed.

Hoping for 2lbs off this week by Tuesday, and I would love to be in the 13's be next Tuesday.

Sigh. Im tired though. Awa' to bed.

this morning, bang on 14st 4lbs. woot.

hoping for 14st 2lbs on tuesday

which means if I lose just a basic 2lbs by next Tuesday then I'll have lost a stone in 3 weeks.

Away to make BIG salad with Roamine and Spinach for lunch tomorrow.

Tomorrow looks a bit like this

B: Greek yoghurt with some flax seeds, coffee and a boiled igg
S - Nuts,
L - Beeg Salad with, pork, failing that Chicken
D - At stitch and Bitch so late dinner, think i'll ask Paul to make me a stir fry for dinner, with bak choi, King Prawn etc
Treats: - maybe a glass of wine and some sugar free choc.

weight today 14st 5lbs. Wish it would move a bit quicker.

well! 1 week down and as of this morning I now weigh

14st 7lbs

which gives me a nice half stone loss for the first week. Huzzah.

Chicken and Olive salad for lunch tomorrow
dinner - Aubrgine and lamb I think.
Breakfast still undecided, possibly a tofu shake,dunno yet

I also bought me some diabetic chocolate from Holland and Barrets, its 75p a bar and it does the job I suppose, also sugar free hard sweets, Very good

today Paul also bought 2 suits from Hugo Boss today, I had to haggle which Paul said was cheap but got his suits knocked down from £500 a suit to (edit: Paul says Im not allowed to tell), so he took 2, one navy one gray, but still ooft! 'sake! money! I think the guy reduced them just to get rid of us though. So aye his interview is on Thursday and he flies out to Belfast at 8 in the morning, so I wont see him until after 12 on Thursday night as Im in the Chinese. Pauls lost 6lbs this week at his weigh in.(also edited as he lost 6lbs not 4 as originally counted. )

anyway Im off to bed.

So... Tomorrow morning the big One week weigh in then....

fingers crossed.

I seem to have some sore of viral leprosy on my lip, I'm assured that its only a coldsore, but still. I feel ming.

Away to bed in preperation for the day of suit hnting with my beloved for him Interview on Thursday, He's also shaved his beard off. Hmmmmmm..

Anyway, Away to make breakfast and lunch up for tomorrow. Maybe not lunch since I have a half day. Nah, nae lunch I'll grab a salad or something from boots.

Weight this morning - 14st 7.6lbs.

still down the way which is good.

Bit pissed as had to squeeze past a wee space in the chinese whilst they were cleaning the kitchen and a punter shouted in "Suck yer belly in hen, or get some exercise eh?"

I shouted back jokingly "what you trying to say like?", he was all "just kidding hen, just some banter", Then I had to laugh off the full thing, but it still hurt.

Today - Turkish Breakfast, Egg, Olives, Tomato, Onion and some feta cheese
Lunch - Chinese Pork Chop and bean sprouts with ginger and garlic
Dinner - ? thinking of ordering in Indian, will have a look at the menu later.

Im so bored. Away to play more half life 2.

Weight this morning, 14ST 8.4lbs.

So far go good on the dieting front,

Paul losing well and sticking to it too.

Me stuck to it well, managed to stick to black coffee for breakfast yesterday as was running late and didn't pack anything the night before, had a huge spinach and runner bean salad with peppered salmon for lunch, and same for dinner as working in chinese

Today consisted of eggs, bacon mushrooms and some grilled halloumi cheese for breakfast /lunch as had a massive sleep in, was supposed to be up at 7 for OT in work, but slept in, woke up with the phone in my hand, which I set my alarm on, so must have woken up, hit the phone and fell back asleep. Crap. Bollocking on Monday then....

Dinner today, grilled lamb chops with a side of garlic cabbage and some ginger and soy spinach. Im enjoying this way of eating so far and not too hung up on the intricacies of calries/saturated fat/fibre. So far its just looking at carbs per 100g. Not told anyone that Im doing low carb, Im just telling people Im avoiding sugar to regulate my appetite and avoiding bread/pasta to avoid bloating and they seem to be leaving me alone so far. Its all good.

So weigh on monday beckons. Still no periods.... meh

Right - had enough of being this fucking big

Im doing the low carb thing and im going to stick to it this time, for longer,

start weight on Monday was 14st 13.5lbs, 5 stone to lose Target 10st
Will weigh myself tomorrow and see how I've gotten on, Or wait for a week before weighing, Im not sure yet,

Tomorrows day looks like this

B - Leftover chicken Drumstickk, 25 g cheese and salad
L - BIG salad, chicken bacon and mozzerella
S - Nuts
D - King Prawn stir fry with Pak Choi, beansprouts, celery, bamboo shoots
S - Hot chocolate made with Double cream and sweetner,

11g carbs, somewhat under the 20g per day that Im set for the first two weeks but the ketosis has kicked in so Im not reallt that hungry anymore. Result. Long may it continue.

my wee one would be 6 this month.

She would have started school, and be in primary 2 by now. She would have a granny who loved her very much. And a mummy who loved her more than she could ever love herself. Dressing up, and lunch boxes and days in the park. Losing her first teeth, skint knees and bogey monsters in the night. First gummy smiles, steps, words and friends.

6.

what if that was my only chance? He now has 2 kids of his own, and I couldnt have that one because my body decided it wasnt going to cope/ I wasnt able to cope. Did she know that I wasn't sure, or that I didnt feel ready? I dont know. I still grieve.

I cant keep shutting myself off, telling myself and people that I dont like, or want, children. Im broody as hell. But I'm scared to try, Im so fucking scared. I have a pish chance of conceiving, and an even pisher chance of not carrying the baby full term. I KNOW thats what went wrong 6 years ago, and that I shouldnt blame myself, cant blame myself. But theres always that nagging little voice that asks, if I found out earlier, If he stuck by me, if I gave up work sooner - Would any of it have changed?

But then I wouldnt have met Paul. And much as he drives me mental at times, and much as I wonder if we're right for each other, I cling to him because he is mine, I am his and his love for me is unconditional. I just panic that Im not enough for him, and won't ever be enough. I know that part of that is natural, but I know the extent that I obsess over it probably isnt. I wake up from nightmares where he's left me. And in those waking moments, before I realise it was all a dream, I feel so empty and desolate. Its those moments that I know that I love him truly, that I'm foolish to doubt myself/us and I hope that never changes. I know every inch of his skin better than I know my own, I know what its is to snuggle into him when he's asleep and smell the warm safe scent that is my husband. I can never be too close to him.

But part of me still aches for that baby.

I still grieve.

Well nothing much going on at the moment, Looking forward to the weekend when there shall be, a Miso banquet, most main courses are £3.

Paul tells me he loves me but Im still feeling detatched at the moment, from mostly everything. I m tired though, and I think thats contributing towards the way Im feeling.

I wish I had a TV in the bedroom. Think I'll half inch the lappy for bedroom watchery,

On the upside my open University Course stuff came through today, and the best part is I can offset my ILA Scotland allowance against the course and the remaining £325 is coming from my bonus this year, which means all in, all things going well, this time next year I'll be back at university.

Huzzah!

Sometimes I think I like to work continually, because if I work all the time, and so tired I can barely stand up, that it stops me from being still and having the time to think and worry things over. I am a worrier. I worry that I cant have Kids, I worry that I will have kids, I worry that I cant keep a pet for any length of time, I worry about getting a pet, I worry that I work too hard. I worry that my time of being me is over. I think thats the main thing that gets me down, I dont feel like me anymore. This isnt me. I was happiest when I was 19, do I accept that things are never going to be that way again and try to adapt to this new me? Or do I change everything in the hope that I can at least have some of the old me back? But what if, in changing I lose everything that I have just now? I've worked so very hard to get to where I am just now, house (used to be in homeless hostel), job (at least I have the option of not having to work two jobs) and a husband who protests he does love me but albeit in a reserved and sort of half hearted and disinterested way

Im scared if it goes wrong I'll lose it all.

I know he loves me or he wouldnt have married me. Would he......?

Right thats the boys at my mums

Really upsetting to come home and expect them to be behind the door, and then they're not. Distressed.

Went for a long bath and a face pack to unwind a bit, but still miss them terribly. I know they are just at my mums and shes not too far away, but still, its hard.

Felt really sick today, shaking and cold and headachey, then realised that I hadn't eaten anything for about 24 hours. So 2 bits of toast and some peanut butter, and a wee half hours kip later I felt myuch better,

Work tomorrow and I have to work like a bastard this week to try and pull back some flexi, Im also working Thurs, Fri, Sat in the chinese again, which is a pisser, But IM PROMISED next Saturday off. We'll see. They owe me since I was supposed to finish at 12 last night but didnt finish till 1:10. Hah

So yeah a 74 hour week beckons again.

why does summer make me so fucking depressed?

I want to take the (legal)drugs I have, get some cider and some cigs and just go sit in the park and escape from everything I have here.

Sometimes I think I made a mistake in getting married. I ache for closeness and touching, and Im not getting it, I feel cheap having to beg for my husband to touch me, not even in a sexual way just a closeness. We never touch. We dont kiss. I feel as if Im simply existing and not really living.

Everything I have crumbles and fades away. My cats have to go back to my mums because they arent settling down. Im going to miss them so much but theres nothing I can do. Im unhappy they are here because they are so evidently miserable, and I'll be unhappy when they are gone because they are my babies, my transferrance. Im turning in on myself because I have no0one to turn to.

I dont want antidpressants again. I just want to be happy. All the AD's do is give some breathing space.

I constantly question everything I do, I cant sleep again, I keep waking up and rehashing the days events to see if I could have done anything better, anything more, edit conversations in my head to make sure what I say next time will be what I mean to say and not what it sounds like.

I want to hurt myself. Really hurt myself just to try and lift this tightness I feel inside me. But invariably someone will see the marks and that'll lead to more questions, more backing away and more isolation and I just cant deal with that just now.

Ever get that sinking feeling?


Anyway. Acting up at the moment, as my line manager is away and I have her job for two weeks. In the two days that I have held this exalted position, one girl has phoned in sick for 2 days because shes tired. Aye. Tired.

The fact that she's phoning in at stupid o'clock in the morning before I'm in, makes me think shes at it. She knows the drill and knows that she's supposed to talk to me.

Meh, but hey its not really my problem. I'll leave that to my line manager when she comes back.

Avast!

Back in Ibrox now, and much much happier.

Whats been happening the past wee while. Well I'm MARRIED! it still feels a bit strange but the same, which I realise makes no sense whatsoever. We have the cats back, bane of my life but I love 'em. Think Im transferring broodiness to the cats, which means I'm going to end up one of these carzy as shit old women who talks to "thier iddle puddykins. yeeeeeees" etc.

Off anti depressants (whoooooo!) and feeling quite good about myself bar the humungous weight gain.

The humungous weight gain went on at Pauls mums. weighing in at the 15st various pounds mark, which the doctor assures me is heading towards obesity, so she's referring me to the dietician (fuckin whoopdedoo) and then putting me on Xenical which Im not really looking forward to. I would prefer an appetitie suppressant to be perfectly honest. Im like fat bastard in Austin Powers - "Ah eat because Ah'm unhappy and ah'm unhappy because ah eat". The obvious answers would be a) stop eating and b) get happy eh? But yeah we'll see how it goes

Time for the annual bigotry fest that is the Orange March today. Scum. Had to ask several of the revellers - "Ah we're just here for the craic! FUCK THE POPE" to leave the chinese last night due to being complete cunts. A chinese takeaway at 12:15 is not an appropriate place for bigoted and sectarian chanting. CUNTS.

hope to be doing something constructive today but seems unlikely due to the fucking walk which means fights and hassle from drunken dickheads last night, bent on avenging some sort of grudge that they hold against the world, and the the traffic being tailed back to the ends of all roads everywhere, meaning you are better getting off and walking to avoid the stupid arse drums.

Which reminds me, I'm away back to bed before the fucking flutes and thumping starts and ruins lie in time. Twats.

so whoooooo!!!

we get the falt back in 8 weeks. Flat visit is on March 7th and really looking forward to it.

Erm looked at places for the wedding reception, Doocot is booked so that rules that out, Malmaison are streaking ahead at the moment, both for setting and price. Other that that we are looking at having people back to the flat and having a buffet set out by caterers, which is reasonably priced.

Went to bingo out of trying to escape the fitba' and won £60. went to Asda and spent £47, all thier bathroom fittings and the like are halfprice so I got two glass shelves for £3.48 each, two towel rings for £1.48 each, toilet roll holder for £1.48, and a click and lock caddy for £7 or so. Also got a gorgeous red velvet throw for the bedroom when wemove in, and it was half price down to £7.50, all thier curtains are half price too, but Im set for curtains, in every room bar the kitchen.

what else... Oh yeah, work have fucked up my wages meaning my OT has been paid at plain rate and thats sucky.

But otther than that we are counting down the days until we get the flat back and the wedding. Still not excited though.

so far guests number 11/30

so invitations went out today and we started looking at places for the reception. So far, La Fiorentina, Ramada Jarvis (hmmm), the Lighthouse or the Piping centre look good, dependingon the numbers that we get back from the invitations

Monster inLaw still being a pain. She has taken the "liberty" of helping and started looking for wedding dresses for me. Thats right folks, because "Im the closest to a daughter she'll have". Help me. Even though she is well aware that Imgoing for seperates "But I've discovered that you can get seperates" yeah I KNEW that, thats why Im getting fucking seperates. Paul looks like he's sticking with the kilt idea and he's getting dispatched to the airdresser next week for a haircut to givehis hair timeto recover from the shock...

We've also been informed that we need a photographer (we were just going to arm people with dispoable cameras and let them record the day in thier own way) and shes also given us feedback on the places that we would like to book. Which is nice... not

so Ive taken the stance of listening but not actually taking any notice. Me and Paul have came up with the idea of giving her a job to do and letting that keep her occupied. Nightmare.

Away for a Horlicks with a hefty shot of baileys stirred in. Ahhhh night time bevvy

I dont want this wedding. Last week, happy and excited, this week empty and full of panic. No happy emotion whatsoever

Just written out the invites and all I can think is "who have I missed?" "who's going to be pissed off they arent invited?". Will I have lost enough weight I'll be comfortable with 30 people staring at me? Will they think its okay? Will.....?

If I have 30 wedding guests the receptions going to be a nightmare, cause then I have an additional amount that will come to the recpetion, cost is spiralling oput of control and I cant reign it back in. All because HIS FUCKING MOTHER pressured us into upgrading the room.

Pauls mums shouted me through twice to check over the inserts and give me her opinion as to what she does and doesnt like. Im not too fucking scunnered with the whole thing to care anymore. Conveniently Pauls away put, leaving me alone to deal with HER.

Friday night and this morning, I was so proud of the invites, me and Kat took a fair of time and effort designing and making them. From Pauls mum they got a brief nod and "hmmm. very nice" and its left me totally deflated. Its now easier to agree and let her ride roughshod over the entire day than it is to make comment, otherwise she makes my life fucking hell.

To be honest I'll be very surprised if it gets as far as June the 6th. Happiest day of my life, NOT.

totally empty regards the wedding, and the rest of me thinks "screw it, catatonia is better than this shite"

Away to get pished and pray for antidepressants from the doctors tomorrow. Drunkeness beckons. I wish this would all go away.

I hate it here so much. I've just spent the past three hours in my room, the only room, crying, so now my heads sore and Im all puffy and red.

Pauls mum has been a complete and utter COW. A cunting fucking cow over the past three days, ignoring us when we are in the kitchen, telling us to fuck off out her room, telling us its her perogative to be grumpy when we ask her why, and the best one yet, today stating that "We essentially have seperate households and therefor nothing above minimum contact is called for".

So after me feeling so uncomforatble that I dont want to go to the kitchen to make anything to eat, and have spent most of the past 5 and a half hours in my room, reading a book and eating ben and Jerrys (and I wonder why Im obese) and sending Paul away to play Battlefield because lets face it, not a lot of fun watching your fiance sob so hard shes soaked through the duvet. Is it any wonder that Im pissed off that after her acting like a complete CUNT the past three days and stating that minimum contact is all thats called for, Paul stoats into her room and strikes up a conversation?

Therefor condoning what shes been doing the past three days and essentially saying "Be as much of a cow as you like, its all right with me Marri's in the next room feeling like shit and wondering just how much more she can take before she gets the flat back"

Its got to the stage now that if he's just going to condone the way she's acting and letting her away with it, I'm not sure if I can live with that. Im not sure I want a relationship where his mother will automatically be forgiven of what she's doing and Im just supposed to take it.

I might have to eat shit, but Idont have to like how it tastes. Game over. I'm out.

She forgets she ASKED us to live here for the year, we didnt ask her.

Oh yeah and the docs pulled my sntidepressants, as they were giving me serious side effects, so yeah although I want depressed I was going blind. So two weeks of cold turkey for me before they can give me anything else. Great. In this atmosphere. If it wasnt so fucking tragic and I couldnt stop crying, I would laugh.

well whats been happening?

Not much really. Went to bingo Thursday and today, won £340 on Thursday and £135 tonight, so time evrythings halfed with respective bingo buddies I had £240 for me. Bough stuff for the house and took Paul to lunch, bought some stuff at the My Ruin gig on Friday night and still have £50 left. Not bad for 2 days before payday.

Went to docs got a row for not seeing her sooner as have ran out of antidepressants. Aside from some irrational violence and weepiness I dont think the cold turkey part was too bad. Imsure Paul would disagree as he says that I have been somewhat "more irrational and psycho of late". So back on the pills

Talking of which myPCOS has been getting worse I think. Although my skin has started to clare up given this new pill, the hunger/insulin response isnt improving neithe is the histuism. Which sucks. The doc says that she wants me to stay on this new pill for at least another 2 years. Which means that I'll be 26 before I even think about trying for a babay. If I ever can. The only way that they can assess how bad my fertility is at the moment is to get me andPaul to try just now, and then what? So we've decided to pass on that at the moment.

The other thing is, before it was me who wanted to have kids someday and Paul who wasnt sure, now theres a distinct possibility I cant have any at all, ever and its Paul who wants them now, especially the more time he spends around friends kids. What if i cant, ever and he decides he wants kids more than me? What if just me and him isnt enough for him?

Ah what ifs....

Nicked from RSG's blog

Reply to this post and I'll tell you a reason why I like you.Post it in your own journal and spread the love.

Dunno why Im posting it because Only one person has ever replied to my blog..... :0S

Right,

Okaaaaaay. On a more positive note things for me at least have been going a bit better although the house situation is mega stressing me out. Living with the Mother In Law is not a good step. repeat: NOT a good step.

Anti depressants kicking in and apart from having really vivid dreams and slight trippiness, I think they are helping. I have been waking Paul up with sleep mumblings though along the lines of "Paul? Paul? What happened to the Donkey?" and my personal favourite when I woke him up with " IM NOT TAKING MUCH MORE OF THIS". Zzzzz. Pauls like WTF?

I dont even remember it, and its not affecting my sleep, but its driving Paul mental. At least its payback for the snoring.....

Oh and I lost 5lbs this week. No smart arse remarks like "where did you lose it? Pfnaar Pfnarr" 5lbsin weight. Still minging but at least heading in the right direction. Paul however lost 10. Yes 10lbs. Where is the justice I ask you?