why does summer make me so fucking depressed?
I want to take the (legal)drugs I have, get some cider and some cigs and just go sit in the park and escape from everything I have here.
Sometimes I think I made a mistake in getting married. I ache for closeness and touching, and Im not getting it, I feel cheap having to beg for my husband to touch me, not even in a sexual way just a closeness. We never touch. We dont kiss. I feel as if Im simply existing and not really living.
Everything I have crumbles and fades away. My cats have to go back to my mums because they arent settling down. Im going to miss them so much but theres nothing I can do. Im unhappy they are here because they are so evidently miserable, and I'll be unhappy when they are gone because they are my babies, my transferrance. Im turning in on myself because I have no0one to turn to.
I dont want antidpressants again. I just want to be happy. All the AD's do is give some breathing space.
I constantly question everything I do, I cant sleep again, I keep waking up and rehashing the days events to see if I could have done anything better, anything more, edit conversations in my head to make sure what I say next time will be what I mean to say and not what it sounds like.
I want to hurt myself. Really hurt myself just to try and lift this tightness I feel inside me. But invariably someone will see the marks and that'll lead to more questions, more backing away and more isolation and I just cant deal with that just now.
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2 comments:
Ok, It's Kat here. I can't post normally because I dont have an account with this LJ thing. If you want space come here. If you need or just want someone to talk to I am here. I don't care what you want to talk about and I most certainly wont judge you. If you want to go out and get a few drinks down you, under the circumstances, I am sure Steve won't mind taking the kids for a few hours and I will come meet you in town or where ever you fancy. Just pick up the phone and I will be on the other end (so long as it is my number you have dialled!).
Give me a shout, and in the mean time, take care of yourself. I care about you even if paul is acting like he doesn't.
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